54. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Friday, October 24th, 8:00pm
Mr. Splindle and Horace

 

Mr. Splindle: It’s not really cheating.

Horace: Of-of c-c-course not, M-Mr. Sssssplindle

Mr. Splindle: We’re just going to have a nice quiet roast beef dinner and a few beers.

Horace: R-r-r-right.

Mr. Splindle: But you know we don’t need to tell anyone about this at work.

Horace: Oh n-no! M-Mr. Splindle! And we w-won’t t-t-tell your w-w-w-wife either!

Mr. Splindle: Very good, Horace.

Horace: M-Mr. Sssp-p-plindle?

Mr. Splindle: Yes Horace?

Horace: W-why did you w-w-want me to c-come with you?

Mr. Splindle: Why Horace, I asked you to come with me because you need to get out. To live a little! Have you ever been to a strip joint before?

Horace: N-no.

Mr. Splindle: Exactly. And you’ll have to get used to it, because as my assistant in this new enterprise, you’ll accompany me, with our clients, to peeler bars all across the county.

Horace: And w-we don’t t-t-t-t-tell anyo-one at work about this other e-enterp-prise either, r-r-r-right?

Mr. Splindle: That’s right, Horace. The only one we talk about that with is Hank.

Horace: M-Mr. Ssssplindle?

Mr. Splindle: (sighs) Yes Horace?

Horace: About my w-w-wife. P-please don’t t-t-t-t-t-tell her, s-sir. Sh-she’d be awfully m-mad if sh-she f-f-f-f-f…

Mr. Splindle: …found out that you went to see strippers?

Horace: (nods) Mmhmm…

Mr. Splindle: (pats Horace’s knee) I understand completely. Most women are delicate flowers, Horace. We must protect them as best we can.

Horace: R-r-r…

Mr. Splindle: But you know there are some women who are more like weeds. They live between the cracks of society and deserve none of our esteem. They are the sort we are going to see tonight, Horace. Weeds. Objects just looking for men like us to pollinate them. (rubs hands together) Tonight I’d like to go pollinate a few of those weeds.

Horace: M-M-M-Mr. Ssssssp-p-plinnndle?

Mr. Splindle: YES Horace?

Horace: Go f-f-fuck yourself sir.

Horace gets off the bus.

 

Next stop: Saturday, October 25th, 8:00pm

Author’s note: These Scenes are written independently, occasionally featuring the same character from a former scene. Please click on the names in the tags to follow a character’s story. Hank

53. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Thursday, October 23rd, 5:00pm
Donald (and Andrea)

 

Donald sits in the aisle seat. Andrea approaches.

Andrea: Do you mind?

Donald: Oh! No. (shifts over to window seat)

Andrea: (sitting down) Bus is pretty crowded.

Donald: Yes.

Andrea: You just noticed?

Donald: I beg your pardon?

Andrea: Just when the bus is crowded it makes sense to leave any open seats available, doesn’t it?

Donald: I supp…

Andrea: I mean, it’s just common sense. It’s rude to keep two seats all to yourself when there’s so many people on the bus.

Donald: I was waiting for someone.

Andrea: (turns her head to the left and right) Who?

Donald: A… another man.

Andrea: A particular “other man”? Or just “another man”? Are you, like, disappointed that a woman sat beside you?

Donald: (looks her up and down) Yes. And in particular, you.

Andrea is speechless, mouth hanging open.

Donald: You’re rude and distasteful. I’d even go as far as to say that it’s women like you who make men like me—straight men that is—wonder what it is we see in women at all.

Andrea: Well, I never!

Donald: (raises voice) Then it’s about damned time.

Donald steps over her and stands in the aisle.

Donald: (yelling) And for the record, I was waiting for a particular man, not just another man. One who’s much more tasty (shakes head) tasteful than you!

Donald gets off the bus to a round of applause.

 

Next stop: Friday, October 24th, 8:00pm

Author’s note: These Scenes are written independently, occasionally featuring the same character from a former scene. Please click on the names in the tags to follow a character’s story.  (Andrea) (Donald)

 

52. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Wednesday, October 22nd, 8:00am
Pierre and Martin

 

Pierre: So I said to him, “How in the freaking hell can you say there’s enough light in here?

Martin: No! You didn’t really, did you?

Pierre: I did! And you should have seen the look on his face!

Martin: What did it look like?

Pierre: I have no idea! It was too dark!

 

Next stop: Thursday, October 23rd, 5:00pm

51. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Tuesday, October 21st, 2:00pm
Hillary (and Sean)(and Drommen)

 

Hillary sits at the window. Sean takes a seat beside her.

Sean: Hey.

Hillary stares out the window.

Sean: What the fuck’s up with you lately?

Hillary: Nothin’

Sean: You’re waitin’ for that creepy guy.

Hillary: He’s not creepy, he’s nice.

Sean: What’s his name?

Hillary: Whatever. Jake. Whatever.

Sean: Yeah well, I heard he likes to expose himself on the bus.

Hillary: (turns to him) Who told you that?

Sean: (shrugs) Does it matter? The guy’s a creep.

Hillary rests her head against the window and looks out.

Sean: What do you say we just go get fucked up?

Hillary: Not interested.

Sean: Suit yourself. But don’t go whinin’ to me if he asks … Hey, isn’t that him? (points at Drommen, boarding the bus)

Hillary: (sits up straight) Yeah.

Sean: Should I leave the two of you alone? (smiles) Maybe he’ll show you his wiener.

Hillary: Maybe you’re a wiener.

Drommen, carrying a grocery bag, walks up the aisle and stops in front of Sean.

Drommen: (to Hillary) Hi Jessica.

Sean: (looks up at Drommen) Hey asshole.

Drommen holding his hands behind his back, leans down and says something in Sean’s ear. Sean gets up and moves to the rear of the bus and Drommen takes his seat.

Hillary: What did you say to him?

Drommen: (holds open his bag for her to look inside) I just offered him a sausage.

 

Next stop: Wednesday, October 22nd, 8:00am

Author’s note: These Scenes are written independently, occasionally featuring the same character from a former scene. Please click on the names in the tags to follow a character’s story. (Hillary) (Sean) (Drommen)

50. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Monday, October 20th, 2:00pm
Felix (and Fiona)

 

Felix sits in the aisle seat. Fiona takes the seat behind him.

Fiona: (blows nose) Oh, that cold out there sure makes the nose run.

Felix: (nods and turns his head part-way around) Mmm…

Fiona: I was talkin’ to a lady out at the bus stop. She wasn’t even wearing a coat!

Felix pulls a bottle of hand sanitizer out of his pocket and cleans his hands.

Fiona: I s’pose there’s people like that who just don’t feel the cold. Wonder that they don’t catch something though.

Felix: (turns part-way around) It is.

Fiona: Hey, are you one of them COD people or whatever it is?

Felix: OCD. Like Howie Mandel.

Fiona: You know, you can catch a cold just by sitting ten feet away from someone? We’re sitting closer then that. (smiles)

Felix gets off the bus.

 

Next stop: Tuesday, October 21st, 2:00pm

stasis

nights
when i cant be bothered
to capitalize or apostrophize
i just wantwish
to be curled up on the couch
in your arms once again
going down
for hours
to sleep beside your faithful snores
your heat
and to wake to the pulsing
of the alarm
rocking
out the 69s
and 70s
and then
youre gone once again
leaving behind your scent
and me
without as much as an apostrophe
or a care to pinky a shift

49. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Sunday, October 19th, 10:00am
Madigan and Missy

 

Missy: Mommy, what’s a “seatful prick”?

Madigan: That’s DEceitful, and you don’t say the word “prick.” It’s not nice. What were you doing awake at eleven last night anyway?

Missy: I woke up when Shadow barked. Who were you talking to?

Madigan: Never you mind.

Missy: Was it Uncle Ken?

Madigan: (regards her daughter) What makes you think it was Uncle Ken?

Missy: Oh just ‘coz Aunty Barb was calling him the same thing.

Madigan: And when did you hear that?

Missy: The day you went to work and I stayed at Aunty Barb’s place.

Madigan: Two weeks ago?

Missy: (shrugs) I guess.

Madigan: Did you hear anything else?

Missy: (nods) Uh-huh.

Madigan: What else did you hear?

Missy: Aunty Barb told him that he was no better than her sister. Isn’t you her sister Mommy?

Madigan: Yes. (gazes out the window)

Missy: Are you “seatful” Mommy?

Madigan: Not as much as Aunty Barb is.

 

Next stop: Monday, October 20th, 2:00pm

Author’s note: These Scenes are written independently, occasionally featuring the same character from a former scene. Please click on the names in the tags to follow a character’s story. (Missy) (Madigan)

48. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Saturday, October 18th, 1:00pm
Captain Longsight (and Zoey)

 

Captain Longsight sits at the window. Zoey takes a seat beside him.

Captain Longsight: (pulls binoculars from bag and peers through them out the window) Holy Shamoly!

Zoey: What?

Captain Longsight: There’s a crime going on down that sidestreet!

Zoey: (holds hand out expectantly for the binoculars) Can I see?

Captain Longsight: There’s no way you can see it.

Zoey: Of course I can the bus isn’t going anywhere.

Captain Longsight: It’s not that. It’s just I have amazing powers of being able to see long distances.

Zoey: (laughs) Of course you can. You have binoculars.

Captain Longsight: Oh these? (holds up binoculars) These don’t matter. I’m Captain Longsight. I was born with extraordinary powers of farsightedness.

Zoey: Soo… why do you carry binoculars?

Captain Longsight: Well… You wouldn’t understand.

Zoey: Try me.

Captain Longsight: They were a gift.

Zoey: Kinda like your gift of farsightedness?

Captain Longsight: N0! Like a birthday gift.

Zoey: Huh. So, Captain Longsight, do you fight crime with your superpowers?

Captain Longsight: (pulls cell phone out of pocket and smiles) No, I call the cops!

Zoey: Hooray. (changes seats)

 

Next stop: Sunday, October 19th, 10:00am

Author’s note: These Scenes are written independently, occasionally featuring the same character from a former scene. Please click on the names in the tags to follow a character’s story.  (Zoey)

47. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Friday, October 17th, 6:00pm
Drommen (and Donald)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Donald sits beside him.

Donald: Hi.

Drommen: Hello.

Donald: Can I ask you a personal question?

Drommen: I suppose.

Donald: If a guy likes mostly women, but there’s just one guy that he’s attracted to, do you think that makes him gay?

Drommen: There’s nothing wrong with attraction. It’s what you do with it.

Donald: Okay, so say this guy is attracted to this other guy and they actually sleep together a couple of times. Does that make him gay?

Drommen observes Donald silently.

Donald: I’m asking for a friend. Of course.

Drommen: Of course.

Donald: So do you think my friend is gay?

Drommen: And he’s attracted to girls?

Donald: Yeah.

Drommen: Maybe he’s bisexual.

Donald: Hmm… Maybe.

Drommen looks out the window.

Donald: Hey, can I ask you something else?

Drommen: Sure.

Donald: Do you mind if I masturbate?

Drommen stares at him wide-eyed.

Donald: Just as an experiment. To see if, you know, I get excited sitting beside another guy.

Drommen: (still wide-eyed) I thought it was your friend.

Donald: IT IS! The experiment is for him.

Drommen: I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that. But there’s a guy who rides the bus once in a while. You could ask him.

Donald: Really? What does he look like?

Drommen: You can’t miss him. He wears fake fangs.

 

Next stop: Saturday, October 18th, 1:00pm

Author’s note: These Scenes are written independently, occasionally featuring the same character from a former scene. Please click on the names in the tags to follow a character’s story.  (Drommen) (Donald)

46. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Thursday, October 16th, 8:00pm
Edward (and The Darkness)

 

Edward sits at the window. The Darkness sits beside him.

Edward: (sniffing, turns to The Darkness) Who the hell are you?

The Darkness: I am The Darkness

Edward: No you’re not. I am the darkness.

The Darkness: I am The Darkness.

Edward: No, I am the darkness.

The Darkness: I AM THE DARKNESS!!

Edward: (hisses, showing plastic fangs) I AM THE DARKNESS!!

Both get kicked off the bus.

 

Next stop: Friday, October 17th, 6:00pm

Author’s note: These Scenes are written independently, occasionally featuring the same character from a former scene. Please click on the names in the tags to follow a character’s story. (Edward) (The Darkness)