This is so dangerous. This interview is my last hurdle. After this, if I succeed, I get the job and I’m off and fulfilling my dream.
I go in. The room is painted white; there are no pictures on the walls, no windows – no colour except the laminated faux wood table and a green chair. One chair. Will my interviewer stand?
On the table is a sheet of paper. I think at first it’s blank, but I turn it over and there are questions.
#1. (Your first test.) Do you have a pen?
I pull a pen out of my purse and for a second I panic – it doesn’t work!!! I scribble for a while on the back of the paper and a faint blue line appears. It gets darker. Good.
I write “yes” for the first question.
#2. If you were a bug, and you wanted to get into a house but there were screens at the windows, would you:
a) try to squeeze through the screen
b) wait for someone to open a door
c) find another house
What kind of question is that???!!! I ask myself. Flustered, I go on to the next question without answering.
#3. Did you answer question #2? If not, go back now.
I look around the room. Is there a camera? Am I being watched? This is weird. I answer question #2, b. I’m a fairly patient person… I mean bug. Whatever. I write “yes” for question #3.
#4. What is your dream job?
Is this a trick question? It’s the one I’m applying for. I write that.
#5. What colour is white?
White. That’s got to be the correct answer. Or is it? Is white a colour? If not, how do I answer the question? Holy shit, this test is hard.
#6. If your owner holds you by the back of the neck, do you:
a) bite him or her
b) calm down and remain subdued
c) explain that you’re not a dog, and would he or she please let go
What the fuck? I’m just about to cap my pen and be on my way when the door opens and a handsome man in a white suit with a white shirt and tie walks in and stands on the other side of the table.
“Hello,” I say.
The man says nothing. Expressionless. He puts his hands on his hips and blows air out from between his pursed lips. I wait.
“What do you do?” he asks finally.
“What… do you mean?”
“Question #6. You were about to leave. What would you do in that situation?”
I look down at the paper and read the question and the possible answers again. “Umm… c?”
“Is that your final answer?”
I look down again. I’m definitely not a dog. “Yes. That’s my final answer.”
Suddenly the room lights up with yellow and red flashing, turning lights. I feel as though I’m in a game show.
“Congratulations!” the man says. “You’ve got the job!”
I slump down in my seat, and put my forehead on the table. I got it. I got it. I GOT IT!
I’m going to make people millionaires!
This slightly insane post (is this how Regis Philbin got the job?) is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the following link to read the rules and join in: https://lindaghill.com/2016/10/14/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-1516/