humour

#JusJoJan 12/17 – The Lesser-Known Legend of Kris Tingle

Everyone is familiar with Kris Kringle. His legend is known far and wide. But few have heard of his younger, ultra-fit brother, Kris Tingle.

While Mr. Kringle entertains the girls and boys, granting their wishes for toys every Christmas day, Mr. Tingle serves a very different role. Kris Tingle is all about the ladies.

While the older brother asks the young’uns what they wish for, the younger sibling IS what all the the women in all the lands wish for. Perched upon his lap, he whispers in their ears of every goodie they could want. He is the presence beneath their trees, he tickles their every delight; they don’t call him Tingle for nothing.

Yet, Kris Tingle wants nothing more than to find that special gal to jingle his bells. While he searches the earth for her, he’ll continue to compete with his brother for legendary status. For it is no secret that Mr. Kringle is jealous of both his brother’s abilities, and his physique.

The Just Jot It January prompt of the day, “tingle,” is brought to you by the awesome Tessa. Check out her blog here: https://finallyawriter.com/

And you can be awesome too, by joining in JusJoJan! Check out the prompt post of the day, where you can find the rules and lots of other awesome posts, here: https://lindaghill.com/2017/01/12/jusjojan-daily-prompt-jan-12th17/

#JusJoJan 10/17 – Uneven Steven

They call me “Even Steven,” but I have a confession. I’m uneven. One of my legs is shorter than the other, one of my ears is bigger, and my nose is crooked. Come on, you think they’d at least notice that! But no, they still call me “Even Steven.”

Hey, there’s three of them now.

“Look, guys, it’s ‘Even Steven’!”

“Hi there, fellas. Let me ask you something. Why do you call me ‘Even Steven’?”

“You don’t know?”

“Nope, no clue.”

“You know our names, don’t you?”

“Errr, no, sorry.”

“I’m Steven, that’s Steven, and this guy over here is Steven, too.”

“No kidding!”

“And you’re even Steven. Get it?”

“Aha! No. I still don’t get it.”

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Thank you once again to Dan the magnificent, who has helped me for the past three days with Just Jot It January. You can visit Dan’s amazing blog here: https://nofacilities.com/

Did you know you can join us in the Just Jot It January challenge any time? Click the following link to find out how, and to read all the other amazing posts! https://lindaghill.com/2017/01/10/jusjojan-daily-prompt-jan-10th17/

#JusJoJan 9/17 – Power

“…and by the power vested in me by the King, I now pronounce you Husband and Wives. You may kiss the 38 brides. I’ll just sit over here and talk to my friend. Let me know when you’re done.”

Reverend Gus walked to the back of the church and sat beside Reverend Harry.

“How’d it go?” asked Harry.

“Oh, you know. Not bad. You been sleeping?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a 63-party wedding after this one. Figured it’d be a good idea to catch a nap. ‘S gonna take a while.”

“Uh-huh.” Gus scratched behind his ear. “Hey, did you hear the King’s talking about putting an end to this multiple marriage thing?”

“Nooo. For serious?”

“Yep. I heard he’s going to start cutting off heads of any woman who covets her neighbour’s husband.”

“Ooooh, that’s gonna get messy. Better brush up on the funeral services.”

“Yep, good idea.”

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Today’s “Power” prompt came from 20/20 Hines Sight. You can find her blog here: https://2020hines-sight.com/

And, of course, very special thanks to Dan for hosting the prompt for me today! Make sure you go and visit his most excellent and entertaining blog here: http://nofacilities.com/

Finally, you can read more Just Jot It January posts and find out how to join in here: https://lindaghill.com/2017/01/09/jusjojan-daily-prompt-jan-9th17/ You can start any time!

#JusJoJan 2/17 – In Time

“You’re late!”

“Yes, Sir. I know, Sir. I’m very sorry.”

“You know the number one rule when working for the Department of the Interior is that you’re never late!”

“I’m very, very sorry, Sir.”

“Do you understand why it’s so important that you never be late?”

“Yes, Sir. It’s because we’re the Department of the Interior.”

“And it’s the Department of the Interior for what?”

“For Time itself, Sir.”

“Which means?”

“Which means it’s the Department In Time, Sir.”

“That’s right! You could have destroyed Time altogether! Don’t be late again.”

“I won’t, Sir.”

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Today’s Just Jot It January prompt, “Time,” was brought to us by JoAnna! Read her post here: https://joannesilvia.com/2017/01/02/time-time-time-catching-up/ To participate in JusJoJan, go here: https://lindaghill.com/2017/01/02/jusjojan-daily-prompt-jan-2nd17/ It’s fun!

#JusJoJan 1/17 – Fatal

“Okay Doc, I’m ready for the bad news. What is it?”

“I’m sorry, Charlie, but your condition is fatal.”

“No! No, no, no! It can’t be. Marvin had it last year, and he recovered!”

“Marvin’s not like you. He only has six legs. You’ve got eight.”

“I suppose that’s true. Okay then, Doc, how long have I got?”

“I’m giving you a week. Unless you starve to death before then.
“I’m sorry, Charlie. But a spider with restless leg syndrome isn’t going to be attracting a lot of Marvins.”

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Thanks to Barbara for today’s prompt, “Spider!” https://teleportingweena.wordpress.com/2017/01/01/spider-dance-just-jot-it-january-2017/

Click here to participate in Just Jot It January: https://lindaghill.com/2017/01/01/jusjojan-daily-prompt-jan-1st17/

Rumpled

“Darling, did you take my library book back yesterday?”

“No, my dear. We don’t have a library in town.”

“But it says here in this book–look, now–right here. For return or renewal on December 28th.”

“I see that, my dear, but the rest of the date states it should have been back in 2012.”

“Of course. That’s this year.”

“No it’s not. This year is 2016. You forget, you’ve been sleeping for four years.”

“I have?”

“Yes, my dear. You only woke up last week, the day after we moved. I had to have you packed in a wardrobe.”

“You’re joking!”

“No, dear, I’m not.”

“If you’re not, you know what that means, don’t you Darling?”

“It means I should sue the movers for waking you up?”

“No, it means we’re going to owe four years in late fees on this damned library book!”

Discovery (The Dentist – Part 5 of 5)

…continued from here…

“Oh! You’re here today. I’m so happy to discover you’re still alive.”

“Why wouldn’t I be, Dr. Spiers?”

“I had this very odd dream that you’d died in all kinds of ways. And that we’d been having a… well, a tryst, you might say.”

“Doctor!”

“I’m sorry, my dear. Was that inappropriate? Truly, please forgive me.”

“No, that’s all right. I had a similar dream. Say, would you like to go out for a drink later?”

“Ahem. I’m not sure my wife would appreciate that. Why don’t we get on with our first appointment. Shall we?”

“Okay. Mrs. Horner is coming in again this morning.”

“Is she having her teeth replaced?”

“That’s right.”

“And did you put them all in the right order?”

“What… order? They’re a pair of false teeth.”

“Just checking.”

Enthusiasm (The Dentist, Part 3 of 5)

…continued from here…

“I’ll start by saying I’ve never been to a psychiatrist before. I know you told me I should just talk, but feel free to interject any time. No? All right then. I’ll go ahead.

“I think part of why I’ve chased away three patients this week is my enthusiasm for my job. I love dentistry. There’s nothing quite like getting right in there with my instruments and rearranging people’s smiles. Did you know one time I removed all of a lady’s teeth–bad gums, she had to have them out–and then instead of giving her dentures, I kept them and sewed them all back in a week later? She would have been happy, except I got mixed up and put the top ones on the bottom and the bottom ones on the top. Well, I was excited. She just couldn’t see the beauty in it.

“I should probably mention that I may have lost a patient or two this week because I no longer have an assistant. Terrible thing happened. She died on the job. Accidentally slit her femoral artery when a man whose teeth she was cleaning swatted her hand away. I might have been able to stop the bleeding, except my secretary was off and I was waiting for the last patient’s credit card to go through.

“Ah, the life of a dentist. You must hear stories like this all the time…”

…continued here…

Unfortunately (The Dentist, Part 2 of 5)

…continued from here…

“Oh my God! You scared me silly. You’re the man who knows sign language, aren’t you? Wait… How did you get in here?

“You’ve been here all night? Waiting for the novocaine? What novocaine? OH, the novocaine for your filling. Now I remember. I’m surprised you’re still sitting in the chair. Why ever didn’t you just get up and walk out? Your wheelchair? It must be that one right there in the corner.

“Oh well, at least you didn’t have to drive in all that horrible weather outside. What’s that? Yesterday was your birthday and you missed seeing your family for the first time in… how many years? Well, we’d better hurry up and get this tooth filled so you can get out of here then. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the novocaine. I’ll be right back.

“I beg your pardon? I didn’t see what you signed there. Don’t bother with the novocaine? All right then. It’s your funeral.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say that out loud? I forgot, you can hear. What I meant was, having your tooth filled without any freezing might hurt a little. Now let’s see. Oh right, you have a bit of rotting going on down in the root. I think I’m going to have to take out the tooth beside the bad one. What’s that? I already did? Hmmm. Oh no. I have some bad news. Unfortunately it seems I took the wrong one out. I’ll just get my pliers here… Now where did they go. I can’t find anything since my hygienist left. Just up and quit, she did.

“I said I fired her yesterday? I wonder why I said that. All right. Here are the pliers. Wha… Where did you go?

“Hey, you! You in the wheelchair! Come back here! You haven’t paid me yet!”

…continued here…

Relax (The Dentist, Part 1 of 5)

“Just lay back and relax. Everything’s going to be okay. Now open your mouth, nice and wide. Oh, you know sign language? Excellent, so do I. It’s a handy language to know when you’re a dentist. Get it? ‘Handy’? I’m a funny dentist too.

“No! No, no, no, don’t be nervous. I know what I’m doing. Just have to… There! I’ve moved your premolar so I can get to the one next to it. Don’t worry. I can glue it back when I’m finished.

“You’re allergic to glue? Oh. Well I’m sorry then. How about a lovely set of false teeth for free? Yes, I can arrange that. It will fill in the gap you already had.

“Now I just have to get this one filled, and… Oh. Oh this isn’t good. You have some rotting going on in the root. How much is your insurance? You don’t have insurance? Well then, perhaps you can get a mortgage on your house. You … what was that again? You have to… OH, sorry. I was trying to read your fingerspelling. Did that hurt very much?

“What am I saying. Of course it did. I suppose I shouldn’t have fired my hygienist last night. Juggling all these instruments is probably a hazard, don’t you think?

“Oh, but I had no choice. My hygienist was going out back between patients to smoke drugs. Can you imagine? And I thought she was getting whiffs of laughing gas all this time. I even replaced the masks half a dozen times. I’m a bit of a fuddyduddy when it comes to these things though. Just last night I was saying to my wife… What’s that? You’re not completely frozen anymore? Just a minute, I’ll get you some more novocaine. I’ll be back in a few minutes…

…continued here…