humor

#JusJoJan 9/17 – Power

“…and by the power vested in me by the King, I now pronounce you Husband and Wives. You may kiss the 38 brides. I’ll just sit over here and talk to my friend. Let me know when you’re done.”

Reverend Gus walked to the back of the church and sat beside Reverend Harry.

“How’d it go?” asked Harry.

“Oh, you know. Not bad. You been sleeping?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a 63-party wedding after this one. Figured it’d be a good idea to catch a nap. ‘S gonna take a while.”

“Uh-huh.” Gus scratched behind his ear. “Hey, did you hear the King’s talking about putting an end to this multiple marriage thing?”

“Nooo. For serious?”

“Yep. I heard he’s going to start cutting off heads of any woman who covets her neighbour’s husband.”

“Ooooh, that’s gonna get messy. Better brush up on the funeral services.”

“Yep, good idea.”

jjj-2017

Today’s “Power” prompt came from 20/20 Hines Sight. You can find her blog here: https://2020hines-sight.com/

And, of course, very special thanks to Dan for hosting the prompt for me today! Make sure you go and visit his most excellent and entertaining blog here: http://nofacilities.com/

Finally, you can read more Just Jot It January posts and find out how to join in here: https://lindaghill.com/2017/01/09/jusjojan-daily-prompt-jan-9th17/ You can start any time!

Discovery (The Dentist – Part 5 of 5)

…continued from here…

“Oh! You’re here today. I’m so happy to discover you’re still alive.”

“Why wouldn’t I be, Dr. Spiers?”

“I had this very odd dream that you’d died in all kinds of ways. And that we’d been having a… well, a tryst, you might say.”

“Doctor!”

“I’m sorry, my dear. Was that inappropriate? Truly, please forgive me.”

“No, that’s all right. I had a similar dream. Say, would you like to go out for a drink later?”

“Ahem. I’m not sure my wife would appreciate that. Why don’t we get on with our first appointment. Shall we?”

“Okay. Mrs. Horner is coming in again this morning.”

“Is she having her teeth replaced?”

“That’s right.”

“And did you put them all in the right order?”

“What… order? They’re a pair of false teeth.”

“Just checking.”

Enthusiasm (The Dentist, Part 3 of 5)

…continued from here…

“I’ll start by saying I’ve never been to a psychiatrist before. I know you told me I should just talk, but feel free to interject any time. No? All right then. I’ll go ahead.

“I think part of why I’ve chased away three patients this week is my enthusiasm for my job. I love dentistry. There’s nothing quite like getting right in there with my instruments and rearranging people’s smiles. Did you know one time I removed all of a lady’s teeth–bad gums, she had to have them out–and then instead of giving her dentures, I kept them and sewed them all back in a week later? She would have been happy, except I got mixed up and put the top ones on the bottom and the bottom ones on the top. Well, I was excited. She just couldn’t see the beauty in it.

“I should probably mention that I may have lost a patient or two this week because I no longer have an assistant. Terrible thing happened. She died on the job. Accidentally slit her femoral artery when a man whose teeth she was cleaning swatted her hand away. I might have been able to stop the bleeding, except my secretary was off and I was waiting for the last patient’s credit card to go through.

“Ah, the life of a dentist. You must hear stories like this all the time…”

…continued here…

Math

“Billy, you can’t give a mystical answer to a math question.”

“But Mr. Johnson, what if the center point of the circumference of ‘A’ did intersect with the center of the universe?”

“Then, Billy, we’d all be obliterated.”

“Exac…”

THE END

Author’s note: My proficiency in Grade 11 math eludes me. But my grammar is up to par…

Treasure

If I could put all the things I treasure into a chest,
I would put in coffee for my mornings,
and a notebook for writing, with lots of really nice pens.
I’d include books for reading
and a comfortable chair and a fire to sit beside
(my chest will be fireproof, don’t worry).
I’d have all the food I could possibly want–
enough to satisfy every craving,
but I’d have extra chocolate, for every occasion.
I’d throw in the dog for someone to cuddle
and the best pillow ever, so I’d always have a good night’s sleep.
But most of all I’d have to make sure I had one special item in my chest,
and that would be you.
Don’t eat my chocolate.

Protesteth

How doth one protesteth a petty injustice, when one’s very sustenance is at stake?

“Mummy? Whilst thou giveth me mine cookie?”

Ah, to babble, perchance to speak? Perhaps whence mine age becometh two.

Martyr

“Okay guys, I’m going in. Gonna take one for the team.”

“But Timmie, you’ll die!”

“Yeah, Timmie! If you break away, chances are you’re not gonna make it!”

“Gordon, Freddie, it’s okay. It was nice knowin’ ya.”

“Noo!! Timmie, nooo!!”

“Oh well, there goes one of the good ones. Aaaand SMOOSH! Okay, who’s up next? Ralph? Ralph? Come on, Ralph, you can beat that fly swatter!”

“Yeah, Ralphie! You’re the quickest one there is!”

“”Okay guys, I’m going in. Gonna take one for the team.”

“But Ralphie, you’ll die!”

“Yeah Ralphie! Or maybe you’ll make it! See ya soon, Ralphie! Aaaand SMOOSH! Man, it’s good these guys have a short memory. Who’s up next? Hey, Marty!”

***
The Daily Post: Martyr

Hello?

“Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“That echo. It happens every time I speak.”

“No. Does it do it when I speak?”

“No. Only when I do.”

“Then it must be in your head.”

“It’s not in my head. I can hear it… it… it… Did you hear that?”

“That was just you saying ‘it’ three times.”

“So you heard it then! It’s not just in my head.”

“No! No, no, no. I heard you say ‘it’ three times. You actually said it. I heard you do it!”

“Now it’s happening when you do it too! I just heard you say ‘it’ three times!”

“Because I actually said ‘it’ three times. It’s not an echo. It’s me speaking!”

“Whoa…”

“What now?”

“Now your ‘it’s are coming out with esses on them. And so did mine… This is freaky!”

“No, you are freaky.”

“Now it’s happening with the word ‘freaky’! I’m freaking out!”

“Okay, that’s it. Excuse me, I’d like to sit somewhere else. Last time I’m taking this bus to work. Freak.”

Cultured

“Arthur, face it. That little strumpet Arthur Junior brought home will never fit in.”

“But Henrietta, dear, she’s the only one he’s invited for dinner, and he’s twenty-five years old. We have to at least consider her.”

“Nonsense. You can’t turn a sack of chaff into a cultured pearl. It just can’t be done.”

“Well then what are we going to do, darling? Your son is as ugly as sin.”

“My son? He’s got your name.”

“Would you rather we’d called him Henry Junior? Quiet. Here they come.

“We were just discussing you, Junior.”

“Arthur…”

“Your mother was commenting on what a lovely lady you’ve brought home with you.”

“Her name is ‘Jennifer,’ Arthur.”

“Yes, yes. Jennifer. Which school did you say you attended? Hard knocks, you say? Har har har. Yes, well. I think you’re needed on the phone, Junior. The yacht club called. Yes, they’ve been holding on for fifteen minutes. Geeves will see Miss Jennifer out. So long, Jennifer.”

…

“I think you handled that quite well, Arthur.”

“Thank you, Henrietta, my dear.”

Stinky

“You in the back row, um… let me see… Sarah, please use the word ‘pungent’ in a sentence.”

“Walter, in my math class, is very pungent.”

“Sarah! That’s not very nice. Do you know what the word ‘pungent’ means?”

“Yes, it means smelly.”

“That’s right. Step out into the hall, please. And don’t come back in until I tell you to.”

“But, Miss Foster…”

“I said go out of the class, young lady.”

…

“Now. What is the next word? Ah, yes. This is a good one. Nick? I remember your name. Would you please use the word ‘warren’ in a sentence.”

“Walter would live in a warren if he didn’t live in a cage in our math class.”

“Ahem. Very good, Nick. Would you please do me a favour and ask Sarah to come back in?”