On my word, I have never seen anything like it in all my eighty years! Walking up the street as if it owned it, all my-shit-doesn’t-stink, nose-in-the-air swagger. And it was on a leash too! Dangling out of the trousers it was barely wearing ’round its ankles. Kids these days!
I’m sorry we broke up. The sad fact is, you are who you must be and I am who I have to be, and it seems there is no compromise. A serial killer and a saint are just not suited for marriage. I should have known.
I think there should be a movie of me. It would show my awesome life: sailing around the world, fighting dragons, climbing really tall mountains, swimming to the bottom of the ocean, sorting mail, knitting scarves… Oh wait, I started daydreaming. Flying airplanes, finding gold close to the earth’s core…
I’m not a nocturnal wanderer. I love to sleep at night. I work hard while the sun shines – I get up as it rises, so that I may be ready to labour when the day begins.
The moment it sets, I go to my rest. I’m a vampire of light.
It’s a major disaster. So much blood has been spilled. I had one job to do. Just one. How could I have been so careless? I’ll never be able to show my face in public again!
I should have known I was too clumsy to work in a butcher shop.
The sign on the gate of the public campsite, said, “Welcome all, whether happy or sad.” And so the happy campers and the sad campers sat side-by-side at their bonfires, telling ghost stories and playing tunes. Sometimes they all woke up happy and sometimes, sad, but the mosquitoes always won.
“You don’t like her?”
“No. She rubs me the wrong way.”
“Which way does she rub you?”
“Oh you know. Side to side.”
“Do you prefer to be rubbed up and down?”
“From top to bottom, actually.”
“Hmm. I like the tummy.”
“OOh, and behind the ear is good too.”
Okay, I’m off. That’s it. I’ve had enough of your bullshit. This ship is sailing. I’ve packed my bags, I’m ready to go. Going out for milk and never coming back. Taking the plunge. Making like a tree and… oh, is that pie? I’ll go in a minute, shall I?
“What is the most romantic gesture you can think of?”
Sitting behind the desk in her best business suit, legs crossed, she tapped the pen on the bridge of her nose and stared at the question.
All she could think was, What kind of secretarial job am I applying for?
“I’m not here to amuse you,” she said as she unbuttoned her blouse.
He lay on the bed regarding her silently.
“Which side do you want?”
“Okay, I’ll choose.”
When she reclined, he made his move.
“Stop licking my face, or I’ll replace you with a real man.”