Room

In my room I is safe. From all those happenin’s out there in the big cruel world. I sees it. Oh Lord, do I see it. On that social media shit, comin’ in from all sides. This person dyin’ and that country gettin’ blown up. It has the ‘tential to get to a man, you know?

But here I is safe. Long as I don’t go out, don’t inneract on that social shit goin’ on in front of me. I don’t watch the news anymore. Too depressin’. Same thing all over again.

Makes a man want to never go out. I may jus’ starve here in my safe room. Better’n life out there.

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Tart – 50-word fiction

“You’re such a tart,” she says in jest.
But little does she know I’ve been screwing her husband for three weeks now. The question is, do I tell her right away, or do I wait until the bitch beats me at tennis again? Because holy shit, do I hate losing.

Waiting

Waiting tables is a thankless job. Oh sure, the odd customer might mumble a “Thanks” without looking at me while he tucks the check into his wallet, ready to make his exit. What do I have to look forward to? The next guy, sitting at the same table, ordering the same food, mumbling the same “Thanks.”

Until I get out of here at night. That’s when the fun starts. See, I don’t work until close, so sometimes I leave before my customer does. When I know it’s going to happen, especially when a patron is really obnoxious, I mention that he left his lights on in the parking lot. He then turns to look in the general direction of his car, and tells me he drives the whatever… the green Toyota, for instance.

Strange how many flats we get at our restaurant.

Tree

I shrug on my fall jacket and step outside the door only to remember why I dread the idea of going out today. My allergies hit my sinuses full force and I struggle to separate the wad of tissues I extract from my pocket to catch my sneeze.

I promised my best friend, Amanda, that I’d go with her to meet an uncle she never knew she had. Amanda has been on a kick lately, looking up her family tree. Her dad died when she was very young and he wasn’t close to his relatives. Since her mom passed away, she’s been giving her all to one last ditch attempt to connect with someone.

On the way over to pick her up, I think about what I’m going to say. How cheerful I’m going to pretend to be. Shit like this is something a person only does for a best friend.

Author’s note: Until October the 31st, I’m going to use this space to create possible beginnings for my 2016 NaNoWriMo project. Feedback is welcome.

The Real Story

“I can’t believe you came all the way back here without the golden egg.”

“I told you, they wouldn’t let me carry it on the plane!”

“Why didn’t you tell them it was made of gold?”

“I did. But then they asked me where I got it from.”

“And you told them what?”

“I told them it came from a goose.”

“NO!”

“Yeah. So they said no matter what it’s made of, if it came out of a goose, it’s dairy.”

“So who’s got it now?”

“Probably the big guy back at customs. At first I thought he’d let me keep it for a fee, but then he said, ‘Fie!’ like they do in those Shakespeare plays. Then he seemed sad. He was saying, ‘Ho hum,’ but with this really weird speech impediment. Do you think we’ll get it back?”

“We might. I’ve got some beans we might trade it for.”

One Bad Step

You may be wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today. Please, settle down–yes, you in the back! Calm down!–and allow me to explain.

No matter the length of the journey, whether it be an epic one or a trip to the corner store, each begins with a single step. As did mine. My epic journey began like any other. I awoke, brushed my teeth, and set out. I made it all the way to the car before I realized I had forgotten my car keys!

You in the back! I’m not going to tell you again! So I went back into the house for the keys, but the phone was ringing. I went to answer it in case it was important. Because you know, I was heading out on an epic, year-long journey! It turned out to be someone selling time-shares. Imagine that! So I hung up and off I went again.

I waited the proper time at the airport – got a coffee, that sort of thing. It wasn’t until it was time to head to the gate that I realized I’d put my plane ticket down when I ran to answer the phone!

So that is why I’m here, talking to you a mere three hours and forty-five minutes after I embarked on my epic year-long journey. I shall attempt to go again next month, and when I get to the secret location to which I’m going, I will purchase your gold, with the money you have entrusted to me, and return with it a year from the time I leave. Yes I know! The man in the back would like his money returned to him now, but I’m afraid…

What do you mean, you all want your money back? Hey! Get off me! I… ahh!!!

Captain’s Log – 06.07.16

O5:00 Awoke.
05:30 Arrived in control room to find Midshipman Fluffy missing in action.
05:45 It seems that Midshipman Fluffy has abandoned ship.
11:55 Broke to make lunch. Requested Admiral Papas’ assistance but was informed he was busy laying down. Brought lunch back to control room.
13:00 Have dire concern over Midshipman Fluffy’s absence without leave.
18:00 Midshipman Fluffy has returned, with seven kittens in tow. Plan to reassess Midshipman Fluffy’s standing as of tomorrow.
22:00 Hitting berth. Leaving ship on autopilot. God keep us safe.

Captain’s Log – 05.07.16

O5:00 Awoke.
05:30 At controls.
08:30 Appointment with Admiral Papas. Forced to abandon ship temporarily. Left Midshipman Fluffy in charge.
13:00 Returned to ship. Found Midshipman Fluffy asleep on duty.
13:01 At controls. Midshipman Fluffy relegated to brig for 10 minute timeout.
13:11 Discovered Midshipman Fluffy sleeping in brig. Unsure what to do next. Will consult with Admiral Papas.
13:24 Have decided to leave Midshipman Fluffy be. Will attempt to awaken him when it’s time for him to take over.
18:00 Break for supper. Midshipman Fluffy assures me he is capable of maintaining control.
18:45 Returned to controls. While congratulating Midshipman Fluffy for staying awake, he scratched me. Am concerned for Midshipman Fluffy’s well-being.
22:00 Hitting berth. Leaving Midshipman Fluffy at controls overnight.

Denial

How dare you change on me?

I was so in love with you, once upon a time. When we met in the rain that day–remember?–I left home without my umbrella and you offered me yours at the bus stop. You were too shy to stand close to me, so half of you got wet.

A month and a half later we were living together already. My mom said it was too soon but I was hooked. I couldn’t get enough of you. And I thought you couldn’t get enough of me…

How dare you change on me?

You started working late. That was about a year into our relationship. I actually felt sorry for you – all those nights you stayed at the shop, stocking shelves because the student quit. And the boss, he wasn’t well. Or at least that’s what you told me. But then I found out.

How dare you change?

You did change, right? You made love to me three times that first night. And just about every night until you were “too tired” from working late.

How dare you?

I remember that night like it was yesterday. I came to the shop to bring you a sandwich, but the place was locked up. I thought, of course it was, the shop was closed. So I went around back – that door was open. I went inside, expecting to find you stocking shelves. What I found made me sick.

How?

You and your boss, locked in a passionate kiss. What would his wife say? Did you know you were gay when we got together? Or did you change on me?

The Common Cold – 100 word story

“The cure for the common cold lies within our grasp, Sir.” I expected him to pat me on the back, but instead his eyes have gone shifty. I try stating the obvious. “The humans will have no recourse but to bow to us now.”

He rubs his long, pointy green chin. “I think we need more study.”

“But, Sir!”

“Never mind, Major. Arrange to have the next shipment brought into my lab forthwith. And don’t forget to restock the anal probes.”

Odd, I think after he walks out. I would have thought the nasal probes more necessary for further study.