Happy Acres

“It looks like a nice place,” Hannah said as she stood with her husband, Jessie, before the gates at the end of a long, dusty driveway.

“The sign is a bit old.”

She stepped in front of him to take a closer look. “The Happiest Place In Town,” she read out loud. “I don’t know if I’d go that far,” she said to Jessie. “But maybe it’ll be appropriate.”

“Do you really think my dad will do well here?”


“We’ll ask him.”

They walked together to the car and spoke to the man inside through the open window.

“We think it’s the right place,” Jessie said to his father.

“Do they have hookers?”

“Wait, I’ll check,” said Hannah. She trotted back to the sign and read it silently, then returned to the car.

“The best hookers in town, the sign says.”

“Well what are we waiting for?” asked Jessie’s father. “Let’s go get ’em!”

And that’s how, with Hannah’s help, Jessie got his father into a nursing home.

Fit to be Tied

How should I lace you up? Should I tie your feet as well as your hands? I should probably strip you first. It will make it easier.

What is that? I can’t understand you with that gag in your mouth. Why are you moaning? We agreed to this.
Am I hurting you?

Fine, I’ll loosen the gag. Is that better?


First I’ll slip off your tie. Mmmm, silk. I love this tie. Now give me your hands and lean forward so I can tie your hands behind your back. What, you want them at the front. I… don’t think so. And lift your ass so I can pull down your… oh yes, you’re into this, aren’t you?

Stop struggling or I’ll truss you up like a pig. You don’t like that idea? No, I didn’t think you would.

First your hands. There we go. And then your feet. So nice of you to take off your shoes and socks at the door. Ah, yes, that’s right. You were expecting sex, weren’t you?

So glad we agreed that if I caught you cheating again I could do whatever I want to you.

Your lovers? I think I might have tripped one of them up on her way out the door. There were three of them after all, waiting here in my bed for you to get home from work, weren’t there? Apparently none of you were aware that I was home sick but still doing your laundry in the basement.

So where shall I begin?

Did you get the garden sheers back from being sharpened like I asked you to? I was getting blisters from trying to cut the hedges with dull blades. You did? No? I think you’re just saying that.

Never mind.  I just emptied the water out of the high-powered Shop Vac I bought you for Christmas last year. It took me only three hours to empty the basement after the flood last night while you were out with the boys. I tell you man, that thing sucks so hard you could use it to pull the dandelions out of the ground, roots and all. What, not the sucking you were looking for this afternoon?

For God sake stop trying to scream. We agreed to this, remember?

What’s that you’re saying? You’re sorry? You certainly look sorry.

Just a minute, there’s someone at the door.
Good news. It’s your mother!

Originally posted in 2013 on The Community Storyboard.