short stories

Folly

“I don’t understand how it is that the Christmas song ‘Deck the Halls’ was written before Nintendo was invented.”

“Why is that?”

“Well it starts out, ‘Deck the halls with Bowser folly,’ right?”

“Not really, it’s…”

“And then the next line after all the ‘fa la las’ is, ”Tis the seas on tubie jolly,’ which clearly talks about Mario going from island to island through a tube.”

“Oookay. Go on.”

“Right. So the next line is, ‘Don we now our gay apparel.'”

“And how does that relate to the game?”

“Oh come on! Have you seen Mario’s hat? If that’s not gay I don’t know what is. It’s red! Red is a happy colour!”

“I’ll give you that one. Any more?”

“Um, let’s see… what’s the next line. Oh yeah. ‘Troll the henchmen you tied Carol.’ They kinda messed that one up.”

“How so?”

“It should have been Peach, not Carol. Or hey! Maybe her name was originally Carol. What do you think?”

“It’s a mystery.”

Here

“Here we are again.”

Yep, here we are again.

“What do you want to do?”

I dunno. The world is our oyster.

“We can do anything we want?”

Anything at all.

“Can we unbury you so you can hold my hand one more time?”

No. We can’t do that.

“I miss you.”

I miss you too, my love.

Math

“Billy, you can’t give a mystical answer to a math question.”

“But Mr. Johnson, what if the center point of the circumference of ‘A’ did intersect with the center of the universe?”

“Then, Billy, we’d all be obliterated.”

“Exac…”

THE END

Author’s note: My proficiency in Grade 11 math eludes me. But my grammar is up to par…

It’s So Gary’s Fault

“However good I am depends on who’s around me. I get my grounded energy off people, and it’s so, so fantastic, you know? Like I was saying to Gary-”

“Ugh! Don’t talk to me about Gary. He’s such a douche.”

“Gary? You mean Gary, Gary? He’s not a douche.”

“Like hell he is. Did you see what he did to Mike’s car?”

“I don’t believe this. You really think Gary did that to Mike’s car? I am getting such bad grounded energy off you right now. You’re pulling me down to your level. Stop it.”

“It’s not me. It’s Gary for Chrissakes!”

“That’s it, I’m outta here. Move over, I’m getting off the bus right now.”

“No, wait. I’ve gotta talk to you about Mike’s car. Your dad’s a mechanic, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So, could you, like, ask him if Mike could bring it in for some body work?”

“What did you just say? Body work? My dad’s a mechanic. A me-chan-ic. He fixes engines and stuff, not bodies.”

“That’s a no then?”

“That’s a no then? That’s a no then? Oh my God, now you’re making me stupid too. Let me off right now.”

“Fine! Take your stupid ‘grounded energy’ and go away! You were stupid before I met you, bitch!”

“Ugh!”

Hello?

“Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“That echo. It happens every time I speak.”

“No. Does it do it when I speak?”

“No. Only when I do.”

“Then it must be in your head.”

“It’s not in my head. I can hear it… it… it… Did you hear that?”

“That was just you saying ‘it’ three times.”

“So you heard it then! It’s not just in my head.”

“No! No, no, no. I heard you say ‘it’ three times. You actually said it. I heard you do it!”

“Now it’s happening when you do it too! I just heard you say ‘it’ three times!”

“Because I actually said ‘it’ three times. It’s not an echo. It’s me speaking!”

“Whoa…”

“What now?”

“Now your ‘it’s are coming out with esses on them. And so did mine… This is freaky!”

“No, you are freaky.”

“Now it’s happening with the word ‘freaky’! I’m freaking out!”

“Okay, that’s it. Excuse me, I’d like to sit somewhere else. Last time I’m taking this bus to work. Freak.”

Pretty – #SoCS

He loved her secretly. She was the prettiest girl he’d ever met. Beautiful inside and out. But he had no choice; he couldn’t tell her, or anyone else. His step-mother would be against the match. And no wonder. For she was the daughter of his step-mother’s brother. Almost his cousin, but not quite.

One day, they’d run away together, he thought. When they were older. Maybe when they were teenagers.

socsbadge2016-17

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link to read more posts, and see how you can join in: https://lindaghill.com/2016/11/25/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-2616/

Arro-Matic

“It’s the newest thing in weaponry and I got it right here. You, Sir! You! Yes, you. Come on over and see the best new thing money can buy. It’s the Arro-Matic. You hold the bow just so and fit the arrow right here and pull the trigger. Here, why don’t you try it?”

“Hey, that looks pretty good. But how does it smell?”

“Smell? What do you mean ‘smell’? This here’s a state-of-the-art weapon. Money can’t buy anything better than this. Why in God’s name do you want it to smell?”

“What did you say it was called?”

“The Arro-Matic! Best darned bow and arrow you can get.”

“Arro-Matic. Arro-Matic…”

“Sir, I’m not getting your drift.”

“False advertising, that’s what that is.”

“Sir, I think you should just move on. And don’t be calling me a stinking salesman!”

Fishy

Fuuuuck! I just dropped a piece of fish off my fork on the way to my mouth. Do I pick it up? Do I let it sit in the carpet? Who the hell puts shag carpet in their dining room anyway? The host of this dinner party, apparently. I already feel like I don’t belong among these stuck-up prissy billionaires, with their posh manners and their ‘oh-so-very’ way of talking.

Why don’t these people have a dog?!? If I pick it up I’ll look like an idiot who can’t feed himself, and if I don’t, they’re going to remember who sat here and made their stupid shag carpet smell like wharf in August. And why the hell are they serving fish at a party? Don’t they know how many regular people can’t stand fish?

I know. I’ll drop my knife and when I pick it up, I’ll get the fish at the same time.

What the fuck? Where’d that servant come from? Aaaand he’s bringing me a clean knife. Great. So much for that idea.

I don’t really like the looks of the woman sitting opposite me. Maybe I’ll kick it under her chair. Then they’ll think she dropped it and I’ll be off the hook. OFF THE HOOK! THAT’S FUNNY! Okay, I’ve got to stop giggling. People are looking at me.

“Yes, the weather is lovely this time of year. What was I laughing at? Oh, um, nothing.”

Smooth. Okay, now if I can just kick it over there… Damn it! The soles of these fancy dress shoes are too slippery. I’ll have to take my shoe off.

UGH! I can smell my own feet. Gotta slip my shoe back on. Now the old lady across the table is giving me the eye. Wait, did I nudge her with my foot? Oh God, I might have! She’s going to think I want to play footsies!

AHHH! She’s sticking her toe up my pant leg! Gotta stay calm, gotta stay calm. I’ll just smile at her and… Dear God she winked at me!!

“Excuse me, I just have to, um, use the facilities. Could you direct me… Down the hall to the left? Thank you.”

Okay, time to make my escape. Should I try and pick up the piece of fish? Maybe I can just bend down and nobody will notice… Holy shit… OUCH! The lady across from me just kicked me in the mouth!

“I wasn’t… I mean, I was just trying to… Oh fuck it.”

Well I won’t be invited back here again. I hope the old lady enjoys her fluffy shag-covered fish for dinner.

The World Series

The Chicago Cubs won the Hyper Bole and the entire planet celebrated!

Wait…

Dear Brian (I think that was your name.)

I want to convey my sincere apologies for my husband’s behaviour at the restaurant tonight. I thought you were an excellent waiter. But please understand that my husband is very jealous, so when I complained that my fork was dirty and you licked it clean for me, he thought you were coming on to me.

I’m so sorry he gave you a black eye. I’d like to make it up to you. Please find enclosed with this note a $100 bill and a box of condoms. I’ll be at the motel out on Route 67 by the gas station at 10pm tonight.

Yours truly,

The Lady at Table 6

P.S. I hope regular-sized condoms are okay. I took you at your word when you referred to my husband as the bigger dick.