As the Eyes Roll, Part somewhere-in-the-middle

“But Martha! You can’t start a soap opera in the middle! People will never watch!”

“Oh Peter, you idiot. They do it all the time! They turn on the television one afternoon and they sit down with their glass of scotch and they’re hooked!”

“They do?”

“Of course they do. Do you think everyone who watches an afternoon serial started at the beginning? For God’s sake, Peter! Most of the shows are older than their viewers!”

“So that means…”

Martha raises one perfectly plucked eyebrow.

“That means…”

“Come on, Peter, spit it out!”

“That means we have viewers!”

“By George, I think he’s got it! Someone give the man a cookie!”

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Verbose – #AtoZ Challenge

“So I said to him, I said, ‘If you’re gonna cheat on your wife, at least cheat with a good-looking chick!’ ‘Coz you know, this woman he was seeing, I’ll tell you something. This woman this guy was seeing was uuggglllyyy…? Oh my God she was ugly! But then his wife wasn’t any kind of looker either, so you can see why he’d want to cheat on her. But you know, guys like that… and I’m not saying I have anything against guys like that. I’ve been there myself, more than once. But guys like that, they’re just asking for trouble, you know? They’re just here and there, and their minds are, like, all over the place! They can’t keep a straight thought in their heads any more than they can keep their dicks in their pants, you know?”

“Uh huh. Hey, do you know if this plane is going to make any extra stops?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Emergency landings?”

“No. No, I don’t think so. But about this guy…”

Author’s Notes:

1. For my next trick, I’ll be Donald Trump’s speech writer!

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Preachy – #AtoZ Challenge (AC – language)

“And here’s the tow truck. What did I tell you?” the man asked his wife rhetorically.

The tow truck pulled up in front of the man’s car and the driver got out. “Is this here your car?”

“It is, and you’re not taking it anywhere, young man.”

“I gotta. The police said so.”

“Do you realize who I am?”

“No, but I’m the tow truck driver and you’d better call a taxi.”

“I see.” The man slipped his hands in his pockets and took a teacher-like stance before the tow truck operator. “It’s not what you do for a living, young Sir, it’s how you deal with a crisis that shows your true character.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that got to do with me?”

“I hope to teach you a lesson today. You are about to tow away an absolutely priceless car, and yet I remain calm. What would you do if you were in my position?”

“I’d probably start thumbing.”

“An excellent answer for one who has so little money.”

“Uh-huh. Except you said it doesn’t matter what I do for a living. If I had a better job, I might take a taxi too.”

“I think you’d have far more fun thumbing a ride, don’t you?”

The tow truck driver smiled and nodded.

Just then, the man’s wife emitted a high-pitched scream from the direction of the ditch. The man hurried around his car, bent, and then stood to address the tow truck driver. “My wife’s in labour! Call a fucking ambulance!”

The tow truck operator whipped out his phone. Three minutes later, the man stood back as the ambulance attendant loaded his wife into the back, to transfer her to hospital. As the man moved to join her, the tow truck driver held out and hand to stop him.

“What do you do for a living, anyway?” he asked the man.

“I’m a priest,” the man replied.

Author’s Notes:

1. This started in my head with an opening sentence. By the time I finished and edited it, the sentence ended up in the middle. I find it a bit long-winded, but I’m too tired to edit any more. Hope you enjoy it.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Nosy – #AtoZ Challenge

“Did you see that?”

“See what, Mom?”

“The woman in that house we just drove past. She was naked!”

“She was in her own house!”

“Well, she didn’t have to stand near the window with no clothes on.”

“And you didn’t have to look in her window!”

“Hmph.”

“Next time, Mother, you’re driving.”

“What, so you can look in windows instead of me?”

“No!”

“Don’t tell me you don’t look in windows.”

“If I do, I picked the habit up from you.”

“Exactly.”

Author’s Notes:

1. Don’t you love people who look in windows at night? Don’t you love people who leave their curtains open at night even more? Admit it. You looked.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Lazy – #AtoZ Challenge

“It’s a juggling act, you know?” Marvin says as he puts his feet up on his desk. “I get back from lunch and I’ve got this to do, and that to do… but in the end, it’s just easier to get Bob to do it.”

“I’m Bob,” says Bob. “It was my twin brother, Frank, you sent out to do your run.”

“And you know what, Bob? I appreciate it. You can tell your brother that when he gets back.” Marvin sits up and shuffles some papers on his desk. “Well! Gotta get back to work!”

“Asshole,” Bob mumbles as he leaves.

As soon as the door closes, Marvin puts his feet back up.

Author’s Notes:

1. I decided early on to put the character I’m describing (in this case, lazy) in the scene or story, rather than just talk about him or her. It’s proving harder than I thought it would; complaining about a lazy person–or talking about one–is easier to write than showing one.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Jester – #AtoZ Challenge

Knock, knock, knock.

“Why are you knocking at my window?”

“I vant to come een!”

“What for? Hey, how did you get up to the second floor?”

“A ladder.”

“Why should I let you in?”

“Eet’s cold out here! And besides, I vant to play cards.”

“Just play cards?”

“But, of course!”

Click. Creak.

“Thank you.”

“Wait! What are you doing?”

“I’m biting your neck.”

“But you said you wanted to play cards!”

“I do! We’ll play spades later.”

Author’s Notes:

1. Writing is hard, sometimes. *sigh* Can I get away with calling this one funny?

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Intoxicated – #AtoZ Challenge

Scene: A drunk middle-aged man sits beside an elderly lady on a long overseas flight. She is in the window seat.

Man: I… I don’t have a problem, y’know. (tips plastic cup in her general direction)

Lady: (staring forward) Mmmhmm.

Man: My wife left me.

Lady: I’m sorry.

Man: You’re sorry. It’s my wwwife who should mbe sorry. She thinks I have n dringking problem.

Lady: Mmmhmm.

Man: You don’t b’lieve me. Why don’t you open the window n jus’ jump out.

Lady: (pushes “call attendant” button)

Man: What choo do that for? I don’t have a problem!

Attendant: (smiling) How can I help you?

Lady: I wonder if I might change seats?

Attendant: I’m sorry, Ma’am, the plane is full.

Man: Shhh…she thingks I have a problem.

Lady: (looks up pleadingly at the attendant)

Attendant: Sir, would you like to come with me?

Man: (grins) Anywhere you want, darlin’. (stands, swaying and follows her toward the front of the plane)

Five minutes passes. The attendant goes by and the lady flags her down.

Lady: I just wanted to say thank you for removing that nasty man. Where did you put him after all? I thought the plane was full.

Attendant: Oh! (laughs) That was the pilot.

Author’s Notes:

1. I had no idea where this was going. I actually made myself laugh at the end.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Contemptuous – #AtoZ Challenge (AC – language)

He approaches me as I walk in the door of my office building: “Excuse me, Sir?”

“Yes?” I say, but I’m thinking: Look at you and your sniveling grin. You’re going to ask me for a favour, aren’t you, you grimy little slice of dick-cheese pie. You flunkies are all the same.

“You parked outside in a no-parking zone.”

Get a fucking life. “Let me tell you, young neophyte, when I was your age I didn’t dare tell the owner of such a grand building as this where he could and couldn’t park.”

“But Sir, your car’s getting towed away.”

Author’s Notes:

1. I’ve known a few people in my lifetime who thought their money held them above others in every way. It’s fun to cut them and their contemptuous ways down to size, even if it’s just through fiction.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Apathetic – #A-Z April Blogging Challenge

She can hear the kids downstairs screaming at one another, the screams occasionally punctuated with slaps and cries of pain, but she’s right in the middle of the good part of her book. The hero is about to smite the evil warlord and…

“Mom!” comes the holler from the lower floor. “Jimmie’s pulling the dog’s tail again!”

“Yeah, I know. Just a minute.”

“What are you doing up there?”

“I’m folding your clothes!” she lies. …just as Anoweth raises his sword to cleave the despicable Dromig in two…

“Mom!”

“There’s cookies in the cupboard!”

“What? I said Jimmie’s…”

“SHUT UP!”

Author’s notes:

1. The apathetic character is a difficult one to maintain. Apathy goes against my own nature, so I rely on what I’ve observed in others, along with my own tendency to sometimes get distracted to the point where I may seem apathetic. In reality I’m simply getting stressed over the need to help, and the inability to remove myself from my current situation.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

The Chronicles of Mary, Part 1 – a 50-word story

One day, a strange man dressed in a business suit approached Mary, and asked her if he could call her “Ivy.”

“That’s not my name,” she said.

“Please?” he begged.

“Whatever.”

“Ivy,” he said. Then he ran away, pointing, and yelling, “Poison Ivy!”

That was Mary’s oddest day to date.