Zany, 100 words – #AtoZ Challenge

“You know,” I began. My brother doesn’t know anything, so it was a rhetorical statement. “If you cross a giraffe with an elephant, the result will just be a scaly grey giraffe. They have the same tail.”

“But it has to have a trunk!” he exclaimed.

“If you give it a trunk it will topple forward. I won’t be able to get from tree to tree in order to eat.”

“It doesn’t need to eat! It’s just a picture!!”

He had a point. I handed him my grey crayon and let him get on with it. But I couldn’t watch.

Author’s Notes:

1. I don’t suppose this character is “zany” as much as childish, but this is what I ended up with and I’m sticking to it.

2. I think I only ended up with one or two “adult content” posts. None were particularly naughty. Ah, well. It’s been fun doing this challenge with characters. Thanks for reading.

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yoyo – #AtoZ Challenge

you wind me up
and hold me

you let me go
i fall
and spin
and hit bottom
and wonder
if you’ll jerk me back up

or leave me dangling

while i wait to find out
i’ll just walk the dog

Xerox – #AtoZ Challenge

“Some gay people are sooo cool, you know? I mean, I like so many of them.”

“I know, right? They’re so easy to get along with.”

“But not all of them. Some can be downright rude.”

“That’s what I meant.”

“Did you see that guy I was talking to last night? The one with the blue hair? He was sooo gay. And he’s, like, checking out all these guys and asking me what I thought of them…”

“I saw you talking to him! I thought he was really cute!”

“He was NOT cute. But his clothes were, like, out of this world gorgeous.”

“Well yeah, that’s what I meant.”

Author’s Notes:

1. I realize “Xerox” is a bit of a stretch for the subject, but “xenophobe” seemed too obvious. People who lack opinions fascinate me, as do those who agree with everything everyone says. I had a boyfriend like that once. The relationship didn’t last long.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Wretched – #AtoZ Challenge

Oh woe is me
as I sit here
in a puddle of spilled tea.

My hot ass
is by far hotter
than it was but five minutes past.

And just as I
was about to walk
out the door on a date with a guy.

His ass was hotter
than mine yesterday
but now, alas, my hotpants are no better than a blotter.

Oh woe is me
I must get changed
into beige-ly boring cloth, and sadly covered knees.

Author’s Notes:

1. Some characters fall easily into poetry. The sadder they are, the faster they fall, in my experience.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Verbose – #AtoZ Challenge

“So I said to him, I said, ‘If you’re gonna cheat on your wife, at least cheat with a good-looking chick!’ ‘Coz you know, this woman he was seeing, I’ll tell you something. This woman this guy was seeing was uuggglllyyy…? Oh my God she was ugly! But then his wife wasn’t any kind of looker either, so you can see why he’d want to cheat on her. But you know, guys like that… and I’m not saying I have anything against guys like that. I’ve been there myself, more than once. But guys like that, they’re just asking for trouble, you know? They’re just here and there, and their minds are, like, all over the place! They can’t keep a straight thought in their heads any more than they can keep their dicks in their pants, you know?”

“Uh huh. Hey, do you know if this plane is going to make any extra stops?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Emergency landings?”

“No. No, I don’t think so. But about this guy…”

Author’s Notes:

1. For my next trick, I’ll be Donald Trump’s speech writer!

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Unreliable – #AtoZ Challenge

Movement is difficult. For me, it’s like in one of those dreams where you feel like you’re immersed in some kind of gelatinous fluid and it takes enormous effort to advance. And that’s my everyday life.

Oh, here comes my brother. He’s going to ask me to go golfing. What a joker.

“Hey, Bob! Wanna go golfing?”

“Sure, Henry. Just let me grab my clubs.”

I love golfing. It’s one of my favourite past times. Nothing quite like getting out there on the links for a good walk.

Author’s Notes:

1. One of the best unreliable characters I’ve ever read was in the book, Gone Girl. I won’t spoil it by saying which character it was, in case you haven’t read it. That novel made a lasting impression on me. Great stuff.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Truthful – #AtoZ Challenge

“You know what I admire about you?”

“Wha…what?”

“First, gimme another dringk.”

“Mmmkay.

“Now, whadda you admire about me?”

“You really tell it like it is, you know?”

“Mmmhmm. I do.”

“Like, just tonight. Your wife aksed you if she looked fat in her dress. Am… am I right?”

“You are corr…rect.”

“An’ you told her, ‘Yes. Yes you do look fat in that dress.'”

“Tha’s what I said.”

“So… why are you here in my basement helping me with this bottle of scotch?”

“‘Coz I’m honest! Hey, you got a couch I can sleep on?”

Author’s Notes:

1. Such a tough choice, isn’t it? To be honest or not? I’m thinking one day I might answer the question with fiction. In the meantime I just sit around writing in my slimming dress…

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Senile – #AtoZ Challenge

It was a Sunday in June when Harold decided to throw everything his daughter owned onto the front lawn, because she wouldn’t clean up her bedroom. That she was a sixty-year-old grandmother herself, didn’t matter to Harold. He’d had enough of, as he put it, “Looking at that pigsty every time he walked past her room.” That he was visiting only for a few hours, also didn’t matter to Harold. In his mind, he was still a middle-aged widower, just trying to raise a young girl on his own.

Author’s Notes:

1. I sat down to write this with nothing in my head except “Harold” and “Sunday.” A perfect example of me not being in control.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Rebel in 50 words – #AtoZ Challenge

“I’m not going to school, and that’s final!” Billy yelled at his mother as he stomped out the front door. He made it half-way down the street before he realized he had nowhere else to go. He was also hungry and wearing pyjamas. Life as a badass had definite drawbacks.

Author’s Notes:

1. I couldn’t get Billy Idol’s voice out of my head as I wrote this. Now I’m imagining Billy Idol in his pyjamas, snarling his way down the street one sunny morning…

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Quibbler – #AtoZ Challenge

The quixotic man quotes
from ye olde text
of a quivering maiden
about to execute a virginal leap of faith
into the arms of her lover
but the quibbler quickly points out
her lover is not yet
her lover if she is still
a quivering virgin.
The quixotic man
quells his urge
to quarrel, knowing
the quibbler can quite annoyingly
never be quieted.

Author’s Notes:

1. There are times when poetry seems easier than prose. I suppose it flows better, depending on the subject.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.