humor

That Thing – #SoCS – an 100-word story*

“That thing is not going in my closet.” It was the last thing I ever heard her say.

We’d been talking about moving in together for months. She knew about my collection. Sure, she’d never seen it… she hadn’t wanted to. I tried to explain to her how big it was and how freakin’ awe-inspiring it was. I guess she didn’t believe me. In retrospect, I do remember her just nodding and smiling as though she was humouring me.

I think it was the boa that took offense to her screaming first. Or maybe it was the cobra. Oh well.

socs-badge-2015

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link to find the rules and discover how you can join in! http://lindaghill.com/2016/03/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-516/

*Author’s note: No editing went into this post in order to make it an 100-word story. Just how it turned out. I’m happy about that. 😉

Campers Welcome, a 50-word story

The sign on the gate of the public campsite, said, “Welcome all, whether happy or sad.” And so the happy campers and the sad campers sat side-by-side at their bonfires, telling ghost stories and playing tunes. Sometimes they all woke up happy and sometimes, sad, but the mosquitoes always won.

How Misunderstood – 100 words

“Dino?”

“Yes Dad?”

“Where’s my trailer?”

“It’s at the bottom of the hill.”

“I thought I told you to put blocks under the wheels.”

“Yeah but…”

“I was going to go get the truck to hook it up.”

“I know, Dad, but…”

“You let my trailer go down the hill by itself. Now I’ve got to go down there and dig it out of the ditch.”

“Yeah, I know, but…

“What the hell were you thinking?!”

“Well it’s what you said!”

“What I said? What did I say?”

“You told me you wanted everything today to go down without a hitch!”

Poor Frozen Willy – 100 words

“Poor frozen Willy was a chilly little guy. He normally lives somewhere warm and humid, but one day he found himself out in the cold. It turns out his owner got drunk and…”

“Honey?”

“Yeah, Babe?”

“Why does every story you tell me before bed have to be about your penis?”

“Who said it’s about my penis? It’s actually about a penguin.”

“A penguin who lives somewhere warm?”

“Sure.”

“…”

“Okay. I’m just trying to get you in the mood.”

“Talking about your cold little penis is not going to do the trick.”

“Hmm… A poor but massive and overheated horse…”

Good night

Scene
Two dark rooms, split screen: Julien lay on his bed, on his back, with the phone to his left ear. Maisy lay on her bed, on her back, with the phone to her right ear.

Maisy: Good night darling.

Julien: Are we hanging up now?

Maisy: (sighs) I have to get up early to go to work.

Julien: I guess you need your beauty sleep.

Maisy: (frowns) Are you saying I’m ugly if I don’t get enough sleep?

Julien: NO! No baby, calm… I mean I didn’t mean that at all.

Maisy: (snorts)

Julien: I’ll let you get your sleep. I love you, baby.

Maisy: I love you too.

Julien: Good night.

Maisy: Good night then.

Julien: Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Maisy: (sits up) Bed bugs! Are you saying you left bed bugs here last time you stayed over?!?

Julien: NO! No way, baby! You gotta calm…

Maisy: Don’t you freakin’ tell me to calm down, asshole!

Julien: NO! I didn’t mean calm down, I meant…

Maisy: ‘Coz you KNOW how I hate it when you tell me to calm down!

Julien: (trying to get in a word edgewise) Baby…

Maisy: Calm down? I have bed bugs in my bed and you’re telling me to calm down?

Julien: No, baby…

Maisy: (standing beside her bed) What kind of crazy freakin’ asshole are you anyways?

Julien: Baby…

Maisy: (nostrils flaring, breathing heavy)

Julien: Baby? Are you still there?

Maisy: What!?

Julien: Baby there’s no bed bugs. No bed bugs. It’s just a saying.

Maisy: …

Julien: (timidly) Are you okay?

Maisy: (plops down on the bed, nostrils still flaring. Speaks sharply) I guess.

Julien: I… gotta go. I’ve gotta get up early too.

Maisy: Oh, now you gotta get up early and I’m probably going to me up all night.

Julien: …sorry. Can I have a little kiss?

Maisy: (snorts)

Julien: Just a little bitty kiss from my hunny bun?

Maisy: (relaxes) Okay. (makes kissing noise)

Julien: I love you hunny bun.

Maisy: (giggles)

Julien: (like he’s speaking to a child) I love you my hunny bunny baby.

Maisy: I love you too.

Julien: Okay. Good night then.

Maisy: Good night.

Julien: Sleep tight.

Maisy: I beg your pardon?

Julien: I said… sleep tight?

Maisy: (angry) Are you calling me a loose woman?!

Julien: (holds phone away from his ear and looks at it. Hangs up.)

Hell’s Kitchen

“Barnaby! You burnt my steak again!”

“But Sir… you won’t turn the grill down.”

Thar’s the Rub – a 50-word story

“You don’t like her?”

“No. She rubs me the wrong way.”

“Which way does she rub you?”

“Oh you know. Side to side.”

“Do you prefer to be rubbed up and down?”

“From top to bottom, actually.”

“Hmm. I like the tummy.”

“OOh, and behind the ear is good too.”

Almost – a 50 word story

Okay, I’m off. That’s it. I’ve had enough of your bullshit. This ship is sailing. I’ve packed my bags, I’m ready to go. Going out for milk and never coming back. Taking the plunge. Making like a tree and… oh, is that pie? I’ll go in a minute, shall I?

Applied Art – a 50 word story

“What is the most romantic gesture you can think of?”

Sitting behind the desk in her best business suit, legs crossed, she tapped the pen on the bridge of her nose and stared at the question.

All she could think was, What kind of secretarial job am I applying for?

Look!

Up in the sky!
It’s a bird!
It’s a … writer?
It’s Flying-by-the-seat-of-his-pants Man!