humor

Coming Out – 100-word Story

The doctor said it’s natural. It was a difficult appointment, but I feel slightly better now. I suppose I’ll have to tell my family. I wonder how that will go…

Mom, Dad, are you sitting down? I have this thing growing inside me. The doctor said it will come out by itself… No, it’s not a tapeworm.

Mom? Dad? Have you ever seen the movie, Alien?

Wait? Why are you backing away from me? No! Don’t run! You’ll make it come out n– Ahhhh!!!

Yeah. Probably best to just tell them I’m pregnant and get it over and done with.

This is part of The Daily Post prompt – the word of the day is Natural.

It’s a Bargain! – a 50-word story

I found the teapot I’ve been looking for for years! The spout is cracked, the flowers are faded, and the leaves are not quite the same shape as I remember. But I’m sure it’s the right one! I’ll put it in a place of honour, with the other two-thousand teapots.

Stop

“Stop” has become
a swear word to you.
And “let’s go,”
makes me cringe.

I should never have started
teaching you to drive.

The Chronicles of Mary, Part 4

Tired of taking public transportation, Mary bought an old used car. One day on her way back to the parking lot at the end of the busy workday, she was surprised to see a man and a woman trying to unlock her car with a coathanger.

“Can I help you?” Mary asked the woman, who was standing back watching.

The woman eyed the man shiftily and said, “We can’t get in.”

“Here, let me try.” Mary took the coathanger from the man, thinking this might be a chance to have a little fun. She fiddled with the coathanger, moving it this way and that, but she couldn’t quite reach the knob inside to open the door. “Nope,” she said after a while. “I can’t get it.

“Oh wait,” Mary went on. “I think I have a key.”

Mary pulled out her car key and opened the door. The man and the woman ran away. Mary laughed all the way home.

Jus’ another day at the farm

It all started when Billy took it on hisself to drive the tractor. I told him again and again, stay off the damn tractor. But would he listen? A’course not.

I was doin’ my work, ya know, muckin’ out stalls when I heard the darn thing drive away. Now you might say I shouldn’a left it runnin’. An’ I prolly shouldn’a left it sittin’ with all them boxes stacked up beside it. He wouldn’a bin able to get up there if I hadn’a done that. But he was determined.

An’ what’s the first thing he did once the machine started rollin’? ‘At’s right. Straight for Bessie. He’s had it in for that cow since he first got here.

So now I got m’self a dilemma. Do I shoot Billy? Or do I jus’ leave him be an’ hope he doesn’ get ahold of the tractor again? ‘Coz there’s still Rosemarie to worry about. An’ she’s my best milker.

Nope, I think I’ll jus’ take Billy out to the back forty and put an end to him. Too bad though. I was gettin’ kinda fond’a that goat.

Growin’ Up ‘n’ Misunderstandin’

“But Mama, I wanna see him again. He loves me!”

“You are not goin’ out with that kid, and that’s final.”

“You don’t understand! He’s the peach fuzz on my cherry pie! He’s the whipped toppin’ on my sundae!”

“I never! That’s ‘xactly why you’re not seein’ him again! Talkin’ like that to your own mother!”

“But… but… I’ll die without him!”

“Nonsense! There’s other goats in the barn.”

“Don’t you mean ‘fish in the sea’?”

“Fish? I thought we were talking ’bout Billy! You mean Johnny? Sure, you can go out with him.”

Altar-ation

Now I sit me down to rest
I hope to get this off my chest
If the kids’ screaming doesn’t stop
I swear to God, I’ll blow my top

adulting

try as I might
to be grown up
do all the things
that make me big
and independent
and feel like i’m part
of the grown up world
they make me fat
or give me pain
and when i stay
awake and read
i sleep in way
through my alarm
and drag myself
all through my day
to find myself
awake at 12
a glass of wine
back in my hand
and i have to face
the harshest truth

i’m just not old
enough
to adult

Morning People

“Hello, June!”

“Ugh. What are you calling me for at this hour in the morning? I haven’t even had coffee.”

“It’s that time again. You gotta wake up!”

“Why are you always so damned perky? I hate morning people.”

“Ha! I’m just going to bed.”

“Show off.”

“So, you up?”

“Yeah, I’m up.”

“Excellent. May, out.”

 

A Resignation

Dear Boss,

I’m writing to let you know that it is with regret that I hand in my resignation. I no longer feel comfortable doing my job.

It started with Simmons at the water cooler. He told me that Marsha is sleeping with Johnson, but she wants it kept quiet because her husband might find out.

As Chief Gossip and Director of Jokes, I’m afraid I’m unable to restrain myself. Considering Marsha’s mouthful of jagged, dangerous-looking braces and Johnson’s wooden leg, I’m sure you can understand my predicament.

It’s been a pleasure working with you, particularly during the big printer-blow-up incident of ’13. I heard, due to a miracle of modern medicine, they actually managed to sew Thompson’s testicles back on. Still, the plaque we hung in the printer room is an excellent reminder for everyone why it’s not a good idea to photocopy one’s posterior.

I wish you all the best in the future.

Sincerely,

Bozo