Enthusiasm (The Dentist, Part 3 of 5)

…continued from here

“I’ll start by saying I’ve never been to a psychiatrist before. I know you told me I should just talk, but feel free to interject any time. No? All right then. I’ll go ahead.

“I think part of why I’ve chased away three patients this week is my enthusiasm for my job. I love dentistry. There’s nothing quite like getting right in there with my instruments and rearranging people’s smiles. Did you know one time I removed all of a lady’s teeth–bad gums, she had to have them out–and then instead of giving her dentures, I kept them and sewed them all back in a week later? She would have been happy, except I got mixed up and put the top ones on the bottom and the bottom ones on the top. Well, I was excited. She just couldn’t see the beauty in it.

“I should probably mention that I may have lost a patient or two this week because I no longer have an assistant. Terrible thing happened. She died on the job. Accidentally slit her femoral artery when a man whose teeth she was cleaning swatted her hand away. I might have been able to stop the bleeding, except my secretary was off and I was waiting for the last patient’s credit card to go through.

“Ah, the life of a dentist. You must hear stories like this all the time…”

…continued here

Unfortunately (The Dentist, Part 2 of 5)

…continued from here…

“Oh my God! You scared me silly. You’re the man who knows sign language, aren’t you? Wait… How did you get in here?

“You’ve been here all night? Waiting for the novocaine? What novocaine? OH, the novocaine for your filling. Now I remember. I’m surprised you’re still sitting in the chair. Why ever didn’t you just get up and walk out? Your wheelchair? It must be that one right there in the corner.

“Oh well, at least you didn’t have to drive in all that horrible weather outside. What’s that? Yesterday was your birthday and you missed seeing your family for the first time in… how many years? Well, we’d better hurry up and get this tooth filled so you can get out of here then. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the novocaine. I’ll be right back.

“I beg your pardon? I didn’t see what you signed there. Don’t bother with the novocaine? All right then. It’s your funeral.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say that out loud? I forgot, you can hear. What I meant was, having your tooth filled without any freezing might hurt a little. Now let’s see. Oh right, you have a bit of rotting going on down in the root. I think I’m going to have to take out the tooth beside the bad one. What’s that? I already did? Hmmm. Oh no. I have some bad news. Unfortunately it seems I took the wrong one out. I’ll just get my pliers here… Now where did they go. I can’t find anything since my hygienist left. Just up and quit, she did.

“I said I fired her yesterday? I wonder why I said that. All right. Here are the pliers. Wha… Where did you go?

“Hey, you! You in the wheelchair! Come back here! You haven’t paid me yet!”

…continued here

Relax (The Dentist, Part 1 of 5)

“Just lay back and relax. Everything’s going to be okay. Now open your mouth, nice and wide. Oh, you know sign language? Excellent, so do I. It’s a handy language to know when you’re a dentist. Get it? ‘Handy’? I’m a funny dentist too.

“No! No, no, no, don’t be nervous. I know what I’m doing. Just have to… There! I’ve moved your premolar so I can get to the one next to it. Don’t worry. I can glue it back when I’m finished.

“You’re allergic to glue? Oh. Well I’m sorry then. How about a lovely set of false teeth for free? Yes, I can arrange that. It will fill in the gap you already had.

“Now I just have to get this one filled, and… Oh. Oh this isn’t good. You have some rotting going on in the root. How much is your insurance? You don’t have insurance? Well then, perhaps you can get a mortgage on your house. You … what was that again? You have to… OH, sorry. I was trying to read your fingerspelling. Did that hurt very much?

“What am I saying. Of course it did. I suppose I shouldn’t have fired my hygienist last night. Juggling all these instruments is probably a hazard, don’t you think?

“Oh, but I had no choice. My hygienist was going out back between patients to smoke drugs. Can you imagine? And I thought she was getting whiffs of laughing gas all this time. I even replaced the masks half a dozen times. I’m a bit of a fuddyduddy when it comes to these things though. Just last night I was saying to my wife… What’s that? You’re not completely frozen anymore? Just a minute, I’ll get you some more novocaine. I’ll be back in a few minutes…

…continued here…

Moody

She accuses me all the time of being moody. I’ll show her.

The mood is set. The candles are lit around the steaming, lavender-scented bath, the wine is poured, and the dinner is warming, ready for when she gets out. I’m already in the bath waiting for her to come ho…

There she is! I hear her key in the door! And… who’s she talking to? She brought her good-looking boss home again?

She thought I was moody before! I’ll show her!

madness

awe-inspiring words
put together just right
cause madness
can give birth to a thousand, a million other words
if placed before the eyes
or whispered in the ear
of a maddened artist…
these words
this well-hung quote
laps up all the juices
and spits them back
into the maddening wilderness
of the writer’s mind

Folly

“I don’t understand how it is that the Christmas song ‘Deck the Halls’ was written before Nintendo was invented.”

“Why is that?”

“Well it starts out, ‘Deck the halls with Bowser folly,’ right?”

“Not really, it’s…”

“And then the next line after all the ‘fa la las’ is, ”Tis the seas on tubie jolly,’ which clearly talks about Mario going from island to island through a tube.”

“Oookay. Go on.”

“Right. So the next line is, ‘Don we now our gay apparel.'”

“And how does that relate to the game?”

“Oh come on! Have you seen Mario’s hat? If that’s not gay I don’t know what is. It’s red! Red is a happy colour!”

“I’ll give you that one. Any more?”

“Um, let’s see… what’s the next line. Oh yeah. ‘Troll the henchmen you tied Carol.’ They kinda messed that one up.”

“How so?”

“It should have been Peach, not Carol. Or hey! Maybe her name was originally Carol. What do you think?”

“It’s a mystery.”

Flee – A Limerick

There once was a man who would flee
A store with an armful for free
He dodged the alarm
And with oodles of charm
Sent the cops on a goose-chase, yippee!

Math

“Billy, you can’t give a mystical answer to a math question.”

“But Mr. Johnson, what if the center point of the circumference of ‘A’ did intersect with the center of the universe?”

“Then, Billy, we’d all be obliterated.”

“Exac…”

THE END

Author’s note: My proficiency in Grade 11 math eludes me. But my grammar is up to par…

#SoCS – Abide

I can’t bear to abide by the rules of love. Why is it, for instance, insisted that love go both ways? Or that we must have met in the flesh? I can love you simply because I know you. I’ve heard your songs and I know you wrote them for me. They speak to my heart. They bare your soul to me, just as though you were here, on your knees, singing to me.

Why should I suppress my everlasting love for you? I shall lay down my life for you, if you ask.

You hear me, don’t you?

socsbadge2016-17

This piece of Stream of Consciousness fiction is part of SoCS. Click the link to read more posts, and join in, too! https://lindaghill.com/2016/12/09/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-1016/

That Something

“It’s missing something,” Samantha said as she drew the spoon away from her lips and stirred the pot again.

Petra frowned at her. “Did you remember the eye of newt?”

“Of course! It’s the main ingredient.”

“How about the toad toes?”

Samantha snorted. “They were a pain in the ass. Picking all those tiny nails off?”

“You didn’t have to, you know.”

“Normally not. But the little buggers had been to the salon. I didn’t want nail polish in the brew.”

Petra pointed her own sharply filed nail at her friend and winked. “Good thinking.”

“What else might I be missing?”

“No clue. This is what you get for not writing down the recipe when Zelda was still alive.”

“That’s it! She always used to cry a tear into it. What are we going to do?”

Petra squinted. “I think I can squeeze a tear out.”

“No!” Samantha cried. “Zelda was a virgin. That’s the whole purpose behind this concoction. To help us become born-again virgins, so we can experience having our cherries popped again.”

“Right. So who do we know who’s a virgin. Oh, I know! That Jimmie brat down the street. I’d like to make him cry for digging my asparagus up last spring.”

“Let’s go get him!”

***
Three months later…

“I think all we’re missing is the last ingredient,” Samantha said as she drew the spoon away from her lips and stirred the pot again.

“Excellent. Little Suzie’s just waking up.”

“Can’t wait to get rid of this penis.”

“Nope,” Petra said, scratching her balls. “Me neither.”