weird

Wind

Instructions on side of box read:

1. Carefully slice the circular sticker holding the top flap, using a sharp knife.
2. Lift flap. Caution: Do not look inside box.
3. With arms extended, reach into box and find the green tab.

“Wait. How can I find the green tab if I can’t look inside the box?”

“Keep reading!!!”

4. The green tab is smooth; the blue tab has pockets.

“What the hell are tab pockets?”

“Just… feel!”

“Okay, got it.”

5. Pull the green tab gently toward you.
6. When you feel a breeze, cease pulling.
7. Clasp blue tab and count to nine.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…”

“…eight? Why did you stop counting?”

“I farted.”

“Damn it, Marty! We bought a box of stinky wind for nothing!”

***

Wind is the prompt. Bizarre is the story.

Captain’s Log – 12.07.16

O5:00 Awoke.
05:15 Found Midshipman Fluffy drinking milk in officer’s mess. I let it slide. Have yet to come up with a new title for Midshipman Fluffy.
05:30 At controls.
12:00 Broke for lunch. Left Midshipman Fluffy at controls. There seems to be a storm brewing.
12:25 Returned early to controls. Storm is gathering strength.
12:56 I’m not sure I can contain the ship. Midshipman Fluffy and I are both at the controls. I can tell my first mate is nervous.
13:06 Power out! Alert! Power is out!
13:45 The worst of the storm seems to be over. Peeled Midshipman Fluffy out from under the desk. Kittens sleeping soundly by my feet.
18:00 Broke for supper. Midshipman Fluffy seems to have recovered.
18:45 Returned to controls. Midshipman Fluffy has turned in with kittens for the evening.
22:00 Hitting berth. I will keep an eye over kittens while Midshipman Fluffy takes the helm for the night. Will make Midshipman Fluffy’s new rank a priority in the coming days.

#SoCS – Amber and Ash

I sit at the traffic light and watch the amber bulb blink on and off. My car is almost out of gas and I wonder how much longer the electricity will stay running. But does it matter? The slain lay behind me, their brains eaten. Now that I’ve finished off the last of the zombies, I have nothing left to eat. Nothing but ash. And zombie brains.

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This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the following link and join in! https://lindaghill.com/2016/06/10/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-june-1116/

The Chronicles of Mary, Part 3 – a 50 word story

Today, Mary’s boss called her into his office for a “meeting.” His “meetings” usually consist of a reprimand and an offer of a date. This “meeting” was no different, except that he also asked Frank from accounting to come in. Turns out Frank wanted a date with Mary.

Mary accepted.

Barman

A man walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, “I’m the guy.”

“What guy?” Asks the bartender.

“The guy who walked into the bar.”

“Huh. You got a horse?”

“Nope.”

“A dog?”

“No, I don’t have one of those either.”

“So what’s so special about you?”

The man widens his stance and puts his hands on his hips, and says, “I’m self-aware.”

The bartender stares, speechless. He stares for so long that the man begins to feel uncomfortable.

“What?” says the man eventually.

The bartender points past the man to the door. The man turns and sees every character that has ever walked into the bar. As one, they kneel down and chant, “WE’RE NOT WORTHY!”

And then the bar falls down and turns to dust.

***

A man walks into a bar. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Jester – #AtoZ Challenge

Knock, knock, knock.

“Why are you knocking at my window?”

“I vant to come een!”

“What for? Hey, how did you get up to the second floor?”

“A ladder.”

“Why should I let you in?”

“Eet’s cold out here! And besides, I vant to play cards.”

“Just play cards?”

“But, of course!”

Click. Creak.

“Thank you.”

“Wait! What are you doing?”

“I’m biting your neck.”

“But you said you wanted to play cards!”

“I do! We’ll play spades later.”

Author’s Notes:

1. Writing is hard, sometimes. *sigh* Can I get away with calling this one funny?

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

The Chronicles of Mary, Part 2 – a 50-word story

Last week, Mary got her heel stuck in a sewer grate. As a car was approached at great speed, a woman in a cape (envision Professor Umbridge of Harry Potter fame) scooped Mary up and moved her to safety.

Mary attended the woman’s funeral shoeless. She wasn’t taking any chances.

Harbinger – #AtoZ Challenge #SoCS

I tell them by day and by night. Hours, I spend on street corners until dirty, ignorant cops send me on my way. I will not give up. They must know:

The devil is rising. He will come in the form of a man made of gold and hot air. He will smile as he shakes his fist. He will raise the masses to a frenzy of feeding upon their fellow man.

He will come, mark my words. And when he does, we will have no place to go… except Mars or Jupiter of course.

Author’s Notes:

1. This started with the envisioning of a street corner preacher. Being that it was Stream of Consciousness, I just let it go… off the planet. Extra points if you know who the “devil” is.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click here to join in today!

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The Chronicles of Mary, Part 1 – a 50-word story

One day, a strange man dressed in a business suit approached Mary, and asked her if he could call her “Ivy.”

“That’s not my name,” she said.

“Please?” he begged.

“Whatever.”

“Ivy,” he said. Then he ran away, pointing, and yelling, “Poison Ivy!”

That was Mary’s oddest day to date.

The News – a 50-word story

“It is not just black and white. There are bluish green areas over there, and if you look closely enough, you’ll see the occasional splotch of yellow. But the truth is, it is red all over.”

“Sir?”

“Yes, Todd?”

“What is it?”

“It’s a joke, Todd. Don’t you get it?”