Rumpled

“Darling, did you take my library book back yesterday?”

“No, my dear. We don’t have a library in town.”

“But it says here in this book–look, now–right here. For return or renewal on December 28th.”

“I see that, my dear, but the rest of the date states it should have been back in 2012.”

“Of course. That’s this year.”

“No it’s not. This year is 2016. You forget, you’ve been sleeping for four years.”

“I have?”

“Yes, my dear. You only woke up last week, the day after we moved. I had to have you packed in a wardrobe.”

“You’re joking!”

“No, dear, I’m not.”

“If you’re not, you know what that means, don’t you Darling?”

“It means I should sue the movers for waking you up?”

“No, it means we’re going to owe four years in late fees on this damned library book!”

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Room

In my room I is safe. From all those happenin’s out there in the big cruel world. I sees it. Oh Lord, do I see it. On that social media shit, comin’ in from all sides. This person dyin’ and that country gettin’ blown up. It has the ‘tential to get to a man, you know?

But here I is safe. Long as I don’t go out, don’t inneract on that social shit goin’ on in front of me. I don’t watch the news anymore. Too depressin’. Same thing all over again.

Makes a man want to never go out. I may jus’ starve here in my safe room. Better’n life out there.

happiness

at the bottom of a bottle
knee-deep in long green grass in summer
beneath a blanket of stars
amidst a warm breeze
with you between my legs
close to ecstasy
over the moon
retreat to candlelight
enveloped in soft music
gliding upon your breath
on a cloud of happiness

you, inverted

you’re full-on
or not at all
retreat! retreat!
is your frightened motto
screamed in a whimper
of stage-one inversion

A Christmas Wish

a
star
atop a
tree
is
lit
in hope
for the new
year’s growth
and prosperity
with health for all,
for there is nothing on
earth, that one who is true
can wish for more than the joy
and love and peace that is brought
by caring for one’s fellow man, no matter
where
he was
born

The Great Dagmaru

“When I’m on stage, whether I’m making the audience laugh, or scream, or shake their heads in disbelief, I feel happy. When I’m on stage with you doing all these things, I feel content.

“When I’m up there performing magic for their pleasure, I feel elated; I experience their reactions and I am one with them. When you are with me up there beneath the lights, my love, I am one with the universe. I am home.”

~ Stephen Dagmar: The Great Dagmaru
The Great Dagmaru, Book 1: The Magician’s Curse
To be released in June 2017

Discovery (The Dentist – Part 5 of 5)

…continued from here

“Oh! You’re here today. I’m so happy to discover you’re still alive.”

“Why wouldn’t I be, Dr. Spiers?”

“I had this very odd dream that you’d died in all kinds of ways. And that we’d been having a… well, a tryst, you might say.”

Doctor!

“I’m sorry, my dear. Was that inappropriate? Truly, please forgive me.”

“No, that’s all right. I had a similar dream. Say, would you like to go out for a drink later?”

Ahem. I’m not sure my wife would appreciate that. Why don’t we get on with our first appointment. Shall we?”

“Okay. Mrs. Horner is coming in again this morning.”

“Is she having her teeth replaced?”

“That’s right.”

“And did you put them all in the right order?”

“What… order? They’re a pair of false teeth.”

“Just checking.”

Stay Calm (The Dentist, Part 4 of 5)

…continued from here

“It wasn’t me. Ahem. I didn’t do it. Ahehehehem! I’m not responsible for that girl’s death!

“Oh, who the hell am I trying to kid? Okay, I’ll tell you the whole truth.

“My hygienist and I had an affair. It was torrid and disgusting and it was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. But then her friend moved in with her and was all, ‘Make him make an honest woman out of you!’ and ‘You have to get a commitment out of him!’

“It drove me crazy. I did my best to stay calm amidst her demands but it was no good. I finally decided to break it off, and she went off the deep end. She threatened to tell my wife.

“So I made her eat her words. Every last one of them. I watched her brush her teeth for the very last time.

“You know, you’re a great interrogator. I didn’t think I’d ever tell…

“YES DEAR? I’M JUST IN THE BATHROOM! WHO AM I TALKING TO? OH, NO ONE, DEAR! JUST MYSELF. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS WHEN I COME OUT? I’M ABOUT TO GET IN THE SHOWER.

“I LOVE YOU TOO, DEAR.”

…continued here

Enthusiasm (The Dentist, Part 3 of 5)

…continued from here

“I’ll start by saying I’ve never been to a psychiatrist before. I know you told me I should just talk, but feel free to interject any time. No? All right then. I’ll go ahead.

“I think part of why I’ve chased away three patients this week is my enthusiasm for my job. I love dentistry. There’s nothing quite like getting right in there with my instruments and rearranging people’s smiles. Did you know one time I removed all of a lady’s teeth–bad gums, she had to have them out–and then instead of giving her dentures, I kept them and sewed them all back in a week later? She would have been happy, except I got mixed up and put the top ones on the bottom and the bottom ones on the top. Well, I was excited. She just couldn’t see the beauty in it.

“I should probably mention that I may have lost a patient or two this week because I no longer have an assistant. Terrible thing happened. She died on the job. Accidentally slit her femoral artery when a man whose teeth she was cleaning swatted her hand away. I might have been able to stop the bleeding, except my secretary was off and I was waiting for the last patient’s credit card to go through.

“Ah, the life of a dentist. You must hear stories like this all the time…”

…continued here

Unfortunately (The Dentist, Part 2 of 5)

…continued from here…

“Oh my God! You scared me silly. You’re the man who knows sign language, aren’t you? Wait… How did you get in here?

“You’ve been here all night? Waiting for the novocaine? What novocaine? OH, the novocaine for your filling. Now I remember. I’m surprised you’re still sitting in the chair. Why ever didn’t you just get up and walk out? Your wheelchair? It must be that one right there in the corner.

“Oh well, at least you didn’t have to drive in all that horrible weather outside. What’s that? Yesterday was your birthday and you missed seeing your family for the first time in… how many years? Well, we’d better hurry up and get this tooth filled so you can get out of here then. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the novocaine. I’ll be right back.

“I beg your pardon? I didn’t see what you signed there. Don’t bother with the novocaine? All right then. It’s your funeral.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say that out loud? I forgot, you can hear. What I meant was, having your tooth filled without any freezing might hurt a little. Now let’s see. Oh right, you have a bit of rotting going on down in the root. I think I’m going to have to take out the tooth beside the bad one. What’s that? I already did? Hmmm. Oh no. I have some bad news. Unfortunately it seems I took the wrong one out. I’ll just get my pliers here… Now where did they go. I can’t find anything since my hygienist left. Just up and quit, she did.

“I said I fired her yesterday? I wonder why I said that. All right. Here are the pliers. Wha… Where did you go?

“Hey, you! You in the wheelchair! Come back here! You haven’t paid me yet!”

…continued here