humor

Magnanimous in 50 words – #AtoZ Challenge

“Billy?”

“Yes, Dad?”

“Where did all my Chivas Regal go?”

“I gave it to the people at the soup kitchen.”

“You what? What would possess you to do such a thing?”

“Well you said I should practice generosity of spirit…”

“Of ‘spirit,” not ‘spirits’! I meant go dish out soup!”

Author’s Notes:

1. I had fun with this one.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Jester – #AtoZ Challenge

Knock, knock, knock.

“Why are you knocking at my window?”

“I vant to come een!”

“What for? Hey, how did you get up to the second floor?”

“A ladder.”

“Why should I let you in?”

“Eet’s cold out here! And besides, I vant to play cards.”

“Just play cards?”

“But, of course!”

Click. Creak.

“Thank you.”

“Wait! What are you doing?”

“I’m biting your neck.”

“But you said you wanted to play cards!”

“I do! We’ll play spades later.”

Author’s Notes:

1. Writing is hard, sometimes. *sigh* Can I get away with calling this one funny?

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Intoxicated – #AtoZ Challenge

Scene: A drunk middle-aged man sits beside an elderly lady on a long overseas flight. She is in the window seat.

Man: I… I don’t have a problem, y’know. (tips plastic cup in her general direction)

Lady: (staring forward) Mmmhmm.

Man: My wife left me.

Lady: I’m sorry.

Man: You’re sorry. It’s my wwwife who should mbe sorry. She thinks I have n dringking problem.

Lady: Mmmhmm.

Man: You don’t b’lieve me. Why don’t you open the window n jus’ jump out.

Lady: (pushes “call attendant” button)

Man: What choo do that for? I don’t have a problem!

Attendant: (smiling) How can I help you?

Lady: I wonder if I might change seats?

Attendant: I’m sorry, Ma’am, the plane is full.

Man: Shhh…she thingks I have a problem.

Lady: (looks up pleadingly at the attendant)

Attendant: Sir, would you like to come with me?

Man: (grins) Anywhere you want, darlin’. (stands, swaying and follows her toward the front of the plane)

Five minutes passes. The attendant goes by and the lady flags her down.

Lady: I just wanted to say thank you for removing that nasty man. Where did you put him after all? I thought the plane was full.

Attendant: Oh! (laughs) That was the pilot.

Author’s Notes:

1. I had no idea where this was going. I actually made myself laugh at the end.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Harbinger – #AtoZ Challenge #SoCS

I tell them by day and by night. Hours, I spend on street corners until dirty, ignorant cops send me on my way. I will not give up. They must know:

The devil is rising. He will come in the form of a man made of gold and hot air. He will smile as he shakes his fist. He will raise the masses to a frenzy of feeding upon their fellow man.

He will come, mark my words. And when he does, we will have no place to go… except Mars or Jupiter of course.

Author’s Notes:

1. This started with the envisioning of a street corner preacher. Being that it was Stream of Consciousness, I just let it go… off the planet. Extra points if you know who the “devil” is.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click here to join in today!

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Gregarious – #AtoZ Challenge

“Let’s see; on Monday night I have dinner with the boss, and on Tuesday evening I’m going to my sister’s best friend’s cousin’s baseball practice. On Wednesday it’s beers with the guys from work… I might be able to fit you in Thursday. No wait! That’s pot-luck night at the neighbour’s place. Friday I’m going to the movies with my brother, and Saturday is football. Saturday is definitely out. Can I fit you in on Sunday, say at between ten and midnight?

“Suzie?

“Great. She hung up on me again. What a way for a wife to treat her husband!”

Author’s Notes:

1. Some guys just get no respect. And some are oblivious. I just came up with the first line and ran with this one.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Flirtatious – #AtoZ Challenge

“Come here often?”

He said it before he even got his ass parked on the barstool. I was incredulous. “Are you kidding me? Is that the best you can come up with?”

“Well, I could have said, ‘Are you Antarctica? Because my North Pole is attracted to you!'”

I laughed despite myself. We’ve been married ever since.

Author’s Notes:

1. I love a good cheesy pick-up line. They’re fun to make up.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Dumb – #AtoZ Challenge

I got it! I finally got a way to get on America’s Funniest Videos! This is gonna be great. All I have to do is cover the peak of the roof with sheet metal, and build a ramp coming down to it off the top of the barn. Oh, and I need my skateboard. Duh! I’m gonna grind for the camera, baby!

Author’s Notes:

1. It’s obvious where my inspiration for this piece came from, yet I have to hand it to the people who make up a good portion of those who get their videos on the show; their ideas are brilliant. It took me a while to come up with something original.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Contemptuous – #AtoZ Challenge (AC – language)

He approaches me as I walk in the door of my office building: “Excuse me, Sir?”

“Yes?” I say, but I’m thinking: Look at you and your sniveling grin. You’re going to ask me for a favour, aren’t you, you grimy little slice of dick-cheese pie. You flunkies are all the same.

“You parked outside in a no-parking zone.”

Get a fucking life. “Let me tell you, young neophyte, when I was your age I didn’t dare tell the owner of such a grand building as this where he could and couldn’t park.”

“But Sir, your car’s getting towed away.”

Author’s Notes:

1. I’ve known a few people in my lifetime who thought their money held them above others in every way. It’s fun to cut them and their contemptuous ways down to size, even if it’s just through fiction.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Times, they are a’changin’ – a 50-word story

On my word, I have never seen anything like it in all my eighty years! Walking up the street as if it owned it, all my-shit-doesn’t-stink, nose-in-the-air swagger. And it was on a leash too! Dangling out of the trousers it was barely wearing ’round its ankles. Kids these days!

poem – a poem

it’s the poem of all poems
the penultimate penned piece
where the damsel withers
within her lonely turret
while the prince races hither
to smite the beast
and finally to claim his bride
as he breaks her fall
only his legs are crushed
because the silly woman squeezed
her gigantic posterior through the window
thinking her romeo had burn’t crispy
from the dragon’s horrid and hot halitosis…

it’s the poem of all poems
and this is not it.