short stories

Happy Acres

“It looks like a nice place,” Hannah said as she stood with her husband, Jessie, before the gates at the end of a long, dusty driveway.

“The sign is a bit old.”

She stepped in front of him to take a closer look. “The Happiest Place In Town,” she read out loud. “I don’t know if I’d go that far,” she said to Jessie. “But maybe it’ll be appropriate.”

“Do you really think my dad will do well here?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll ask him.”

They walked together to the car and spoke to the man inside through the open window.

“We think it’s the right place,” Jessie said to his father.

“Do they have hookers?”

“Wait, I’ll check,” said Hannah. She trotted back to the sign and read it silently, then returned to the car.

“The best hookers in town, the sign says.”

“Well what are we waiting for?” asked Jessie’s father. “Let’s go get ’em!”

And that’s how, with Hannah’s help, Jessie got his father into a nursing home.

#SoCS – An Underestimation

“Uh, Sir, I think you underestimate me.”

“Do you really think so, Johnson? I mean, look at your record. Just last week you picked up three dead raccoons, twenty squirrels, and four crows. Your contemporaries doubled that!”

“But you forget that they are in the city. You have me out doing the rural routes.”

“Where there should be more roadkill!”

“But…”

“But what, Johnson?”

“But what about the moose?”

“There was a moose?”

“Yeah. Just last week. Didn’t Davis tell you?”

“It’s the first I’ve heard. Did you pick it up all by yourself?”

“Yes, Sir. I did.”

“What did you do with it?”

“It’s been your lunch, Sir, for the last three days.”

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This post is part of both The Daily Post and Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the links to find the prompts!

Survival

“You can only survive for twenty-four hours without a drink.”

“Nuh-uh! You’ll die in fif… I mean twelve.”

“Nuh-uh! My dad told me it was a whole day!”

“Wanna bet?”

“Sure!”

“Okay. Don’t have a drink for the rest of the day and see if you wake up tomorrow.”

“…I’m thirsty.”

“Me too. Let’s go to my place. My mom made Kool-Aid.”

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/survival/

The Chronicles of Mary, Part 3 – a 50 word story

Today, Mary’s boss called her into his office for a “meeting.” His “meetings” usually consist of a reprimand and an offer of a date. This “meeting” was no different, except that he also asked Frank from accounting to come in. Turns out Frank wanted a date with Mary.

Mary accepted.

Happy Children’s Day

“Happy Children’s Day,” said the mother to her son on Mother’s Day morning.

“What do you mean?” asked the son.

“If I’ve done my job right,” explained the mother, “you will derive more pleasure from spoiling me than I will for being spoiled.”

The son smiled, “You’re right, Mummy! Please enjoy your sardine pancakes. I brought syrup, too!”

Xerox – #AtoZ Challenge

“Some gay people are sooo cool, you know? I mean, I like so many of them.”

“I know, right? They’re so easy to get along with.”

“But not all of them. Some can be downright rude.”

“That’s what I meant.”

“Did you see that guy I was talking to last night? The one with the blue hair? He was sooo gay. And he’s, like, checking out all these guys and asking me what I thought of them…”

“I saw you talking to him! I thought he was really cute!”

“He was NOT cute. But his clothes were, like, out of this world gorgeous.”

“Well yeah, that’s what I meant.”

Author’s Notes:

1. I realize “Xerox” is a bit of a stretch for the subject, but “xenophobe” seemed too obvious. People who lack opinions fascinate me, as do those who agree with everything everyone says. I had a boyfriend like that once. The relationship didn’t last long.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Unreliable – #AtoZ Challenge

Movement is difficult. For me, it’s like in one of those dreams where you feel like you’re immersed in some kind of gelatinous fluid and it takes enormous effort to advance. And that’s my everyday life.

Oh, here comes my brother. He’s going to ask me to go golfing. What a joker.

“Hey, Bob! Wanna go golfing?”

“Sure, Henry. Just let me grab my clubs.”

I love golfing. It’s one of my favourite past times. Nothing quite like getting out there on the links for a good walk.

Author’s Notes:

1. One of the best unreliable characters I’ve ever read was in the book, Gone Girl. I won’t spoil it by saying which character it was, in case you haven’t read it. That novel made a lasting impression on me. Great stuff.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Truthful – #AtoZ Challenge

“You know what I admire about you?”

“Wha…what?”

“First, gimme another dringk.”

“Mmmkay.

“Now, whadda you admire about me?”

“You really tell it like it is, you know?”

“Mmmhmm. I do.”

“Like, just tonight. Your wife aksed you if she looked fat in her dress. Am… am I right?”

“You are corr…rect.”

“An’ you told her, ‘Yes. Yes you do look fat in that dress.'”

“Tha’s what I said.”

“So… why are you here in my basement helping me with this bottle of scotch?”

“‘Coz I’m honest! Hey, you got a couch I can sleep on?”

Author’s Notes:

1. Such a tough choice, isn’t it? To be honest or not? I’m thinking one day I might answer the question with fiction. In the meantime I just sit around writing in my slimming dress…

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Senile – #AtoZ Challenge

It was a Sunday in June when Harold decided to throw everything his daughter owned onto the front lawn, because she wouldn’t clean up her bedroom. That she was a sixty-year-old grandmother herself, didn’t matter to Harold. He’d had enough of, as he put it, “Looking at that pigsty every time he walked past her room.” That he was visiting only for a few hours, also didn’t matter to Harold. In his mind, he was still a middle-aged widower, just trying to raise a young girl on his own.

Author’s Notes:

1. I sat down to write this with nothing in my head except “Harold” and “Sunday.” A perfect example of me not being in control.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Obsessive – #AtoZ Challenge

“Jimmy!” calls Mom from downstairs. “It’s time to get up for school!”

“Aww, Mom, I’m sick!”

“No you’re not! You just stayed up too late playing that stupid game!”

“No I didn’t!” Jimmy exclaims. I haven’t been to bed yet, he thinks.

Author’s Notes:

1. We’ve all been there, for one reason or another.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.