“Are you ready for our chaotic day at the shops tomorrow, then?”
“It’s the ‘stores,’ luv. We’re in America now.”
“Oh, all right then. The ‘stores.’ Are we taking the lorry or the car?”
“We’re going to take the truck. We’d better if we’re going to buy a new bed.”
“Right then. Better get the shopping bags out of the boot of the car for the small stuff.”
…
“What’s that sigh for?”
“Nothing, me luv. Did you ask them to close off the lift when we get back?”
“Yes I did. And it’s the ‘elevator.'”
“It’s the newest thing in weaponry and I got it right here. You, Sir! You! Yes, you. Come on over and see the best new thing money can buy. It’s the Arro-Matic. You hold the bow just so and fit the arrow right here and pull the trigger. Here, why don’t you try it?”
“Hey, that looks pretty good. But how does it smell?”
“Smell? What do you mean ‘smell’? This here’s a state-of-the-art weapon. Money can’t buy anything better than this. Why in God’s name do you want it to smell?”
“What did you say it was called?”
“The Arro-Matic! Best darned bow and arrow you can get.”
“Arro-Matic. Arro-Matic…”
“Sir, I’m not getting your drift.”
“False advertising, that’s what that is.”
“Sir, I think you should just move on. And don’t be calling me a stinking salesman!”
“Look! You’ve scorched the milk, Norman.”
“I’m sorry, Harriet my love. I don’t know what’s come over me today.”
“Do you think it’s got something to do with …you know?”
“It might, my love.”
“Oh, Norman. We did have a laugh though.”
“Hehe. Yes, yes we did.”
“Well then. What are we going to do with all this scorched milk?”
“Harriet, my love, why don’t you just pour it in the cat’s bowl? Give him a treat.”
“I s’pose I could, at that. We’ve had ours. Do you have any more of those pills left?”
“Harriet! You’re not thinking about that now, are you?”
“Why not? Let’s go scorch the sheets.”
“All right, then.”
“You’re such a tart,” she says in jest.
But little does she know I’ve been screwing her husband for three weeks now. The question is, do I tell her right away, or do I wait until the bitch beats me at tennis again? Because holy shit, do I hate losing.
Fuuuuck! I just dropped a piece of fish off my fork on the way to my mouth. Do I pick it up? Do I let it sit in the carpet? Who the hell puts shag carpet in their dining room anyway? The host of this dinner party, apparently. I already feel like I don’t belong among these stuck-up prissy billionaires, with their posh manners and their ‘oh-so-very’ way of talking.
Why don’t these people have a dog?!? If I pick it up I’ll look like an idiot who can’t feed himself, and if I don’t, they’re going to remember who sat here and made their stupid shag carpet smell like wharf in August. And why the hell are they serving fish at a party? Don’t they know how many regular people can’t stand fish?
I know. I’ll drop my knife and when I pick it up, I’ll get the fish at the same time.
What the fuck? Where’d that servant come from? Aaaand he’s bringing me a clean knife. Great. So much for that idea.
I don’t really like the looks of the woman sitting opposite me. Maybe I’ll kick it under her chair. Then they’ll think she dropped it and I’ll be off the hook. OFF THE HOOK! THAT’S FUNNY! Okay, I’ve got to stop giggling. People are looking at me.
“Yes, the weather is lovely this time of year. What was I laughing at? Oh, um, nothing.”
Smooth. Okay, now if I can just kick it over there… Damn it! The soles of these fancy dress shoes are too slippery. I’ll have to take my shoe off.
UGH! I can smell my own feet. Gotta slip my shoe back on. Now the old lady across the table is giving me the eye. Wait, did I nudge her with my foot? Oh God, I might have! She’s going to think I want to play footsies!
AHHH! She’s sticking her toe up my pant leg! Gotta stay calm, gotta stay calm. I’ll just smile at her and… Dear God she winked at me!!
“Excuse me, I just have to, um, use the facilities. Could you direct me… Down the hall to the left? Thank you.”
Okay, time to make my escape. Should I try and pick up the piece of fish? Maybe I can just bend down and nobody will notice… Holy shit… OUCH! The lady across from me just kicked me in the mouth!
“I wasn’t… I mean, I was just trying to… Oh fuck it.”
Well I won’t be invited back here again. I hope the old lady enjoys her fluffy shag-covered fish for dinner.
“I don’t wanna eat my vegetals,” said William as he dropped his spoon on the floor.
“William, you know what we talked about. You have to eat your vegetables or else you’re going to get sick,” said Mom.
“You eat vegetals all the time and you get sick sometimes.”
“That’s because I catch it off other people.”
William thought about that for a moment. “Mom, why do people throw vegetals?”
“People don’t throw them. They eat them.”
“But you said you catched vegetals from other people.”
Mom laughed, “Oh, no I catch colds from other people.”
“People throw colds?”
“Yes, William. Something like that, at least.”
“Why don’t you drop the colds like when you don’t catch a ball?”
“I wish it was that easy. Now eat your vegetables, please.”
“But I don’t wanna.”
“William. I told you eat your vegetables. William! Stop throwing your vegetables!”
“But they’re colds! Other people throw colds, why can’t I?”
“They’re not colds! They’re just cold because you’re taking so long to eat them!”
“They’re germy now. Aren’t colds germies?”
Mom sighed. “Yes, William. Yes they are.”
How challenging it is to go out alone. To primp and puff myself up, to make myself big enough inside so I’m not trampled upon by the crowds.
Because they are vicious, the crowds. They look at me, they judge me, then they turn in disgust only to charge moments later.
I am but me. I have one voice, one hope, that someday I will grow and walk to my full height out in the world. Before the lights go out, I wish to sing of peace.
I believe with determination we individuals can unite. Small outside but big within.
earthrise
on tranquility base
breathtaking
sans oxygen
makes sense?
It’s week two up here on the moon. Just jotting down poems that come into my head, to pass the time. Crew’s dead. I’m the only one left. I like to think there are a few people left down on Earth, too, fighting zombies in some crazy zombie apocalypse people saw coming. But that’s likely not the case. They’re all dead as well. Silly bastards we humans are, we blew everything up.
I may be the only human left in existence. An extremely endangered species. Time for the next generation of aliens to take over. Dig up our artifacts and wonder what the hell happened to us.
sense makes
oxygen
sans taking breath
base tranquility
on rise
earth
?
Dear Brian (I think that was your name.)
I want to convey my sincere apologies for my husband’s behaviour at the restaurant tonight. I thought you were an excellent waiter. But please understand that my husband is very jealous, so when I complained that my fork was dirty and you licked it clean for me, he thought you were coming on to me.
I’m so sorry he gave you a black eye. I’d like to make it up to you. Please find enclosed with this note a $100 bill and a box of condoms. I’ll be at the motel out on Route 67 by the gas station at 10pm tonight.
Yours truly,
The Lady at Table 6
P.S. I hope regular-sized condoms are okay. I took you at your word when you referred to my husband as the bigger dick.
What if you were reading a sentence, minding your own business, and suddenly English words stopped making sence adn sentinse strictires vwfam rp hry skk qwurd?
One-Liner Wednesday is here: https://lindaghill.com/2016/11/02/one-liner-wednesday-umm-run/ Click the link, check out the rules, and join in!
Linda G. Hill 