JusJoJan the 16th – What (#SoCS)

“What’s going on?” she asks as if there’s nothing wrong. But there is, of course, something terrible about to happen in my shorts. She forgot to remind me to go potty… She’s going to be mad. But then again, that’s typical of my wife.

The “what” prompt (and this purely stream of consciousness wtf? story) is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click here to join in today!

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JusJoJan the 13th – Sacrifice

The sacrificial lamb wisely runs with the sheep.

The coward fearlessly trolls the internet.

What’s the difference?

Karma.
JJJ 2016

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JusJoJan the 9th – Entitled (#SoCS)

“I really hate blind dates,” said Gertrude as she sat across the table from her blind date in a posh restaurant with candles on every table. She dug in to her baked potato as though it was a mound of dirt, piled beside an open grave. Clearly she was more the drive-thru type.

“Then why did you come?” Victor asked reasonably.

Gertrude shrugged her neon green fleece-clad shoulders. “Never had lobster before.”

Victor had an idea. “You know, if they don’t cook the lobster enough it will come back to life and bite you.”

His date dropped her fork. With a clatter it bounced off the plate and onto the floor. Victor plucked his napkin off his lap and dabbed the corner of his mouth as he stared at her plate. “I think I saw it twitch.”

“You’re fucking with me.”

“No. Seriously. I…” He stopped a passing waiter – the one who had, in fact, placed their meals on the table. “Did you see that?”

“See what, Sir?”

“I think the lady’s lobster is still alive.”

He saw a slight grin on the waiter’s face. “Oh dear, not again. I’ll inform the chef.”

“Get someone out here to catch it first, would you?” Victor said. “I think it’s going to jump.”

With that, Gertrude stood. The waistband of her track pants caught the tablecloth and lifted it, flipping the plate clean off the table onto the floor. She ran, shrieking from the restaurant. Victor didn’t follow her.

“Thanks, mate,” he said to the waiter. “I’ll add a little extra to the tip.”

“Not at all, Sir,” said the waiter as he hurried off to find someone to catch the lobster, which was presently chasing off the remaining women diners.

Note: Other than the title of this post, it had nothing to do with the title of anything at all.

The “title” prompt is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click here to join in today!

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miss

having the Dickens of a time
with chipped nail polish
of a night in
crazed expectation

SoCS – In and Out

The facts are unshakable. Incontrovertible. I saw him with my own eyes, laying in the coffin, eyes closed, hands crossed on his chest. They had him in a black suit and a white shirt, with a boutonniere; a red carnation. He could have been going to the prom. Only he wasn’t. In fact he prevented my sister and so many others from going to their proms. He was a killer. And I’m glad he’s dead.

As they nailed down the lid of his coffin I laughed a little on the inside. Maybe it was nerves. I have them now – a week later. I got a call from the police, in fact I just hung up – contacting his other victims’ families wasn’t fun. He’s gone missing from the grave. Did someone dig him up? Or did he get out himself?

What I didn’t mention to the police, nor to the other families was the damned red boutonniere I found taped to the outside of my living-room window. Even after a week it still looked fresh. Alive, even.

This post is part of SoCS: http://lindaghill.com/2014/11/21/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-november-2214/ Join in the fun!

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Fishin’ Pole Blues

Inching toward the prize, I’m almost there. I can see it. Hell, I can smell it. It’s almost within my grasp.

It’s been a long road to get here. Years I’ve toiled; miles I’ve traveled and hours I’ve spent thinking about it when I haven’t physically striven to arrive right where I am. Right now. Right here. Just another…

It’s…

Gone.

“Mom! That other horse ate my carrot!”

A Life Lived

She started with a salty goodbye. A sayonara of oceanic proportions, in which ships sank and seashells shattered.

And around she went in the arena of ago, an archipelago amass in aromatic ages.

Until at last she settled, safe within the enclosure of a promised land of epic proportions.

And there she landed a lover, who loved her lonely ass.

Years yonder, she yearns for her yesteryear land.

For her lover forgot, and found a flagrant floozy to fuck.

So she dreams, and connects her current conditions, completely crushed

By sorrowful sayonaras, and restless regrets.

JusJoJan 21 – Lioness

It’s a fact of science: bread cools quickly when it comes out of the toaster.

But she sits facing him at the kitchen table at breakfast time and thinks,
Look how weak he is that he allows his bread to cool before he butters it
I used to not see this about him
When we were first married I was so infatuated with him
Now he talks to me about ordinary things
Now I can see that he is less than ordinary – he is weak.
How could I not see his weakness back then?

A week later she had an affair.
A month later she was divorced.

Years have passed and she cannot find that perfect love again that she had at one time with her husband
She grows old but not regretful
For he was weak.
And weakness cannot be tolerated.

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1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
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3. Write anything!
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JusJoJan 2 – All In a Night’s Work

Here at the Juicy Juice Factory, we provide the best of the best. Our products are full of vitamins and more vitamins. In fact, if you drink just two glasses of our “Extra C” you’ll see a noticeable improvement!

Just tonight, in fact, my good friend Jason was complaining of a throbbing eye. I suggested he try some of our “Chock Full of Minerals.” Jason said no. He prefers wine. What Jason doesn’t know is that I spiked his wine with a dash of “Banish Those Donkey Nuts,” so tomorrow he’s sure to have a better day.

Let’s see how he makes out! Stay tuned to HarsH ReaLiTy and join me in wishing Jason no more of the same balls of fun he had today!

Post number 2 of Just Jot it January. Go to my main blog and join in! http://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/01/01/jusjojan-1-the-rules-are-easy/

Oscar

“And in closing, I’d like to thank my supporting cast. All the doctors and nurses who have enabled me to endure my labour, and of course my husband – who was gentle and kind at the beginning, leading me to believe that a two-minute roll in the hay would last but two minutes.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe my new director is crying to be fed.”