Mittens on kittens
Cute, but what are you thinking?
It’s a freakin’ cat.
It’s Just Jot It January! Click here and join in any time!
humour
JusJoJan the 8th – Honourable, a four-sentence, 50 word story
I’m so wicked! I have brought dishonour on my family by letting him put his hands on me and lift my skirt. I was even wanton enough to let him put his thing in me! But I’m secretly pleased with myself, losing my virginity at ninety-one glorious years of age.
It’s Just Jot It January! Click here and join in any time!
JusJoJan the 4th – Dachshund
William was going to die. Everyone knew it, but most of all, William knew it. While he was still able to get around he decided to go to his lawyer (who was also a close friend) to make his final arrangements. The lawyer promised William he would gather together all of William’s relatives when the time came.
William’s most prized possession was his dachshund. The dog had a mind of its own and William admired it. He called the dog Willie in a vain attempt to be more like the animal. He decided to leave Willie with his eldest son, William the Second. There was, however, a clause which stated that his son would have to actually want the dog. Otherwise Willie was to be placed elsewhere.
Soon after William’s trip to the lawyer, William died. As promised, the lawyer gathered everyone together. This was what he said to the family:
In Will’s will, Will willed Willie, the willful dachshund, to William. Should William be willing, Willie the willful will henceforth reside with William.
William’s will went uncontested and Willie and William the Second lived happily ever after. Except that time William’s wife Winifred sat on Willie because Willie wouldn’t move off the sofa.
It’s Just Jot It January! Click here and join in any time!
SoCS – Where Inspiration Comes From
“And so, Mr. Lennon,” said the Chairman of the school board’s committee on Bringing Healthy Foods into the Cafeterias, “you need to work on introducing more meats and vegetables into your school. As Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, you are the man in charge of obtaining the groceries, are you not?”
“I am,” said Mr. Lennon. “I am also responsible for making sure I buy groceries the children are likely to eat. You have on the list,” and here Mr. Lennon unfolded a sheet of paper and propped up his spectacles on the bridge of his nose, “pork chops, chicken, carrots, corn, and broccoli.” He looked up from his paper and frowned at the Chairman. “And now there is another thing you’d like me to add to this horrendous list?”
The Chairman cleared his throat and leaned his elbows upon his desk.
“All we are saying, Mr. Lennon, is give peas a chance.”
This post is part of SoCS! Find it here: http://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/09/12/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-september-1314/
Badge courtesy of Doobster @ Mindful Digressions
JusJoJan 2 – All In a Night’s Work
Here at the Juicy Juice Factory, we provide the best of the best. Our products are full of vitamins and more vitamins. In fact, if you drink just two glasses of our “Extra C” you’ll see a noticeable improvement!
Just tonight, in fact, my good friend Jason was complaining of a throbbing eye. I suggested he try some of our “Chock Full of Minerals.” Jason said no. He prefers wine. What Jason doesn’t know is that I spiked his wine with a dash of “Banish Those Donkey Nuts,” so tomorrow he’s sure to have a better day.
Let’s see how he makes out! Stay tuned to HarsH ReaLiTy and join me in wishing Jason no more of the same balls of fun he had today!
Post number 2 of Just Jot it January. Go to my main blog and join in! http://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/01/01/jusjojan-1-the-rules-are-easy/
here i am
look, it’s me
with my bulldozer of words
plowing together phrases
building sentences
shoveling nouns and verbs
like dirt and gravel
mashing them together
ungracefully
see? it’s just me
little me with my
massive machine
the wizard of a world
where ruby slippers
attract witches
mashing them together
like frankenstein
who was that? just me
with my fingertips
dancing on the keys
drawing you in
drawing me out
so we can meet on wet pavement
mashing us together
like chums
just here, it’s me
with my choices
by the millions
how to build the words
with a diction bulldozer
a thesaurus machine
mashing them together
to impress off your ass
LGH
for PM
Keeping Up
“So, Jones,” said the boss as he seated himself behind his desk. “What do you do for fun when you’re alone?”
“Well, sir, I enjoy fishing…”
“No Jones, I mean when you’re alone.”
“Um… well, I sometimes go down into my basement…”
“Yes,” the boss said eagerly.
“…and work on my train set. It’s a 1:160 scale…”
“Jones?” the boss interrupted.
“Yes, sir?”
The boss leaned across the desk, close enough so Jones could see the pores in the man’s nose. They were deep and dark.
“What I want to know,” he wiped his brow, “is what you do for fun when you’re really alone. I mean, completely and utterly alone. Can you share that with me, Jones?”
“Well sir,” Jones blushed, “it’s rather personal. That’s why I do it when I’m alone.”
The boss sat back in his chair, clasped his hands across the expanse of his belly, and twiddled his thumbs. He smiled like a man satisfied that he was about to receive precisely what he wanted.
“I, um…” Jones swallowed. “I like to, um… dress up in my wife’s clothes, sir.”
A grin spread across the boss’s face, lifting his jowls and creasing his eyes. It wasn’t a malicious smile, nor was it meant to mock. It was merely a smile.
Jones relaxed a little.
“Jones, I have something for you.”
“You do?”
The boss reached under his desk and Jones expected him to come out with a gift bag, perhaps with a nice pair of heels or a frilly dress. Instead, a small device rested in the palm of the boss’s hand that looked like a tiny silver doughnut.
Jones leaned forward to have a closer look. “What’s this, sir?”
“It’s a listening device.”
“And what would you like me to do with it?”
“I would like you to break into Kramer’s house and plant it in his bedroom.”
Jones studied the boss’s face. He didn’t look like he was joking.
“Why should I do that, sir?”
“Well you see, Jones,” the boss placed the item on the desk and sat back again, “this is the very listening device we retrieved from your house this morning. I need it put into the next employee’s house to help us determine what he is doing when he is alone. The next one on the list, alphabetically is Kramer.”
“But… why?”
The boss leaned his elbows on his desk and regarded Jones seriously. “We’ve heard rumours, Jones.” He lowered his voice. “I can’t have you telling anyone this. Can I trust you, Jones?”
“Of course, sir.”
“All right. We have reports that say someone in the organization,” he whispered, “has been masturbating.”
Jones’s bottom jaw dropped. “You’re joking!”
The boss shook his head, as grim as night.
“I don’t need to tell you what that means for our company, do I Jones?”
“Of course not, sir!
“Harry Palmer Sterile Products would never be seen the same again!”
The Apple, The Tree
“I told you not to put it off.”
“I know.”
“And now look where you are.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You could have arrived home on time…”
“I know.”
“And safe…”
“I know Dad!”
“But here you are with me in the hospital.”
“Hmph.”
…
“Wait, I know my tire flew off on the highway and I crashed because I didn’t take it to the mechanic on time, but why are you here again Dad?”
“I broke my pelvis.”
“Your pelvis? How?”
…
“Dad?”
“You remember that step your mother asked me to fix three weeks ago?”
A Secret
Let me tell you a secret. It’s a naughty secret, a nasty secret. It will chill you to your bones.
Let me whisper it softly in your ear. Come on, you can’t resist. Can you?
Now remember, this is an important secret. If you tell, it will change the world as we know it. Yes. It’s that important.
And trust me, only you will know.
I have faith in you, my friend, to keep this secret to yourself, forever more.
Are you ready?
Are you sure?
…
…
…
The tooth fairy is Santa Claus in drag.
Outta Your Erps
Ah, your screams are music to my ears. That is to say I love to frighten you outta your erps. What does that mean, exactly, you ask?
Well, some may say I’m trying to scare the fear out of you. “E”xposure and “R”esponse “P”revention, like. Meaning the more I expose you to having your wits jump right outta your skull, the more you’ll come to expect it and therefore, not be so fearful.
On the other hand, when my dad used to say it to me, many years ago, I don’t know if that sort of therapy was in practice. Maybe he just thought it sounded funny.
So I’ll keep doin’ it. Scarin’ you outta your erps. Just for laughs.
What’s a momma for, after all?
Linda G. Hill 