Fiction

Keeping Up

“So, Jones,” said the boss as he seated himself behind his desk. “What do you do for fun when you’re alone?”

“Well, sir, I enjoy fishing…”

“No Jones, I mean when you’re alone.”

“Um… well, I sometimes go down into my basement…”

“Yes,” the boss said eagerly.

“…and work on my train set. It’s a 1:160 scale…”

“Jones?” the boss interrupted.

“Yes, sir?”

The boss leaned across the desk, close enough so Jones could see the pores in the man’s nose. They were deep and dark.

“What I want to know,” he wiped his brow, “is what you do for fun when you’re really alone. I mean, completely and utterly alone. Can you share that with me, Jones?”

“Well sir,” Jones blushed, “it’s rather personal. That’s why I do it when I’m alone.”

The boss sat back in his chair, clasped his hands across the expanse of his belly, and twiddled his thumbs. He smiled like a man satisfied that he was about to receive precisely what he wanted.

“I, um…” Jones swallowed. “I like to, um… dress up in my wife’s clothes, sir.”

A grin spread across the boss’s face, lifting his jowls and creasing his eyes. It wasn’t a malicious smile, nor was it meant to mock. It was merely a smile.

Jones relaxed a little.

“Jones, I have something for you.”

“You do?”

The boss reached under his desk and Jones expected him to come out with a gift bag, perhaps with a nice pair of heels or a frilly dress. Instead, a small device rested in the palm of the boss’s hand that looked like a tiny silver doughnut.

Jones leaned forward to have a closer look. “What’s this, sir?”

“It’s a listening device.”

“And what would you like me to do with it?”

“I would like you to break into Kramer’s house and plant it in his bedroom.”

Jones studied the boss’s face. He didn’t look like he was joking.

“Why should I do that, sir?”

“Well you see, Jones,” the boss placed the item on the desk and sat back again, “this is the very listening device we retrieved from your house this morning. I need it put into the next employee’s house to help us determine what he is doing when he is alone. The next one on the list, alphabetically is Kramer.”

“But… why?”

The boss leaned his elbows on his desk and regarded Jones seriously. “We’ve heard rumours, Jones.” He lowered his voice. “I can’t have you telling anyone this. Can I trust you, Jones?”

“Of course, sir.”

“All right. We have reports that say someone in the organization,” he whispered, “has been masturbating.”

Jones’s bottom jaw dropped. “You’re joking!”

The boss shook his head, as grim as night.

“I don’t need to tell you what that means for our company, do I Jones?”

“Of course not, sir!

“Harry Palmer Sterile Products would never be seen the same again!”

The Apple, The Tree

“I told you not to put it off.”

“I know.”

“And now look where you are.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You could have arrived home on time…”

“I know.”

“And safe…”

“I know Dad!”

“But here you are with me in the hospital.”

“Hmph.”

…

“Wait, I know my tire flew off on the highway and I crashed because I didn’t take it to the mechanic on time, but why are you here again Dad?”

“I broke my pelvis.”

“Your pelvis? How?”

…

“Dad?”

“You remember that step your mother asked me to fix three weeks ago?”

A Secret

Let me tell you a secret. It’s a naughty secret, a nasty secret. It will chill you to your bones.

Let me whisper it softly in your ear. Come on, you can’t resist. Can you?

Now remember, this is an important secret. If you tell, it will change the world as we know it. Yes. It’s that important.

And trust me, only you will know.

I have faith in you, my friend, to keep this secret to yourself, forever more.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

…

…

…

The tooth fairy is Santa Claus in drag.

Drop

daff

I always think of you, when I stand among the daffodils. The way their heavy heads bob on the breeze reminds me of when you agreed with me that one time. Do you remember?

I think we were driving to Niagara Falls. It was the first really warm day and the humidity was rising out of the ground from the rainfall we’d had earlier that morning. I remember that little detail, because, as I got into the car I stepped in a puddle and soaked my left sock… or was it the right one? No matter.

Anyway, we were on the QEW, approaching Burlington and the sun was coming up. It shone in the rearview mirror and just about blinded me and I said, “It looks like it’s going to be a nice day.”

That was when you nodded, and I thought of the daffodils.

And then we hit the patch of oil on the bridge. It was a long drop.

I miss you, mostly because it ended so perfectly.

Adolescence

I have observed the subject

As he sits in the centre of the room

Peering around the slouched, cotton-clad backs

Of the distracted,

And past the ramrod twill

Of the zealous

And I see he yearns

he craves

he screams out heartily

in his own placid way

with his naked, childish hunger

and his polyester trash-can-hand-me-downs

to fit.

Outta Your Erps

Ah, your screams are music to my ears. That is to say I love to frighten you outta your erps. What does that mean, exactly, you ask?

Well, some may say I’m trying to scare the fear out of you. “E”xposure and “R”esponse “P”revention, like. Meaning the more I expose you to having your wits jump right outta your skull, the more you’ll come to expect it and therefore, not be so fearful.

On the other hand, when my dad used to say it to me, many years ago, I don’t know if that sort of therapy was in practice. Maybe he just thought it sounded funny.

So I’ll keep doin’ it. Scarin’ you outta your erps. Just for laughs.

What’s a momma for, after all?

Shoulder

I am walking along a deserted street. It is daytime and inside the houses, dogs whine, expectant; the driveways empty of cars that instead are offhandedly whiling away dollars in dirty parking lots. The autumn wind blows beneath an overcast sky and the remaining leaves rustle like bones turning to dust in drafty mausoleums. I think that you are following me.

Footsteps plod along behind me to the rhythm of my own and your icy stare crawls up my spine like an eight-legged ghoul. I increase my speed, unwilling to look over my shoulder. To envision you there is horror enough: to see you there will turn me to mortar.

In my dreams I am unable to run fast enough and I awake with a film of cold sweat coating my skin. I turn and see the silhouette of your shoulder under the covers in the bed beside me, framed by moonlight and I awake yet again, relieved to find I am alone.

But now I am sure. I feel static in the air as your hand reaches out. Your dry palm scratches against the fabric on the shoulder of my coat. I crumble, screaming, screaming at the top of my lungs. I awake.

I glance at the dog. He whines, expectant.

100 word fiction – Sarcasm

Sarcasm drips so easily from your palate to your tongue that it’s hard to keep up with you. But I try.

“So you’re saying you don’t want broccoli for dinner tonight?”

“Oh yes, I love broccoli. I love to look at it and smell it and do all kinds of naughty things with it.”

I slow my speech. “So, you’re saying, you don’t want broccoli, for dinner tonight?”

“What the fuck do you think?”

“I’ll do beans.”

“NO! NO! I don’t want beans, I want broccoli, you stupid bitch!”

I long for you to grow out of the terrible twos.

The Interview

“All right then Mr. Jones, everything looks good. We’ll be contacting you within the next two weeks to let you know if you’ve got the job.”

“Thank you so much. I look forward to hearing from yo…”

“Oh! One other thing. I keep forgetting to ask this question. New protocol and all.”

“Yes?”

“Tell me, Mr. Jones. How many times per day do you urinate?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“How many times per day do you urinate?”

“Um… about three?”

“Excellent. We’ll let you know then. Thank you for applying for a job at Google.”

Superpower

At the fish market, Jim decided that his choice of superpower – the power to smell any pussy at less than a hundred yards – wasn’t necessarily the best choice.

…because, you know, cats like to hang around fish markets, and most of them have bad breath…