funny

Flirtatious – #AtoZ Challenge

“Come here often?”

He said it before he even got his ass parked on the barstool. I was incredulous. “Are you kidding me? Is that the best you can come up with?”

“Well, I could have said, ‘Are you Antarctica? Because my North Pole is attracted to you!'”

I laughed despite myself. We’ve been married ever since.

Author’s Notes:

1. I love a good cheesy pick-up line. They’re fun to make up.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

Contemptuous – #AtoZ Challenge (AC – language)

He approaches me as I walk in the door of my office building: “Excuse me, Sir?”

“Yes?” I say, but I’m thinking: Look at you and your sniveling grin. You’re going to ask me for a favour, aren’t you, you grimy little slice of dick-cheese pie. You flunkies are all the same.

“You parked outside in a no-parking zone.”

Get a fucking life. “Let me tell you, young neophyte, when I was your age I didn’t dare tell the owner of such a grand building as this where he could and couldn’t park.”

“But Sir, your car’s getting towed away.”

Author’s Notes:

1. I’ve known a few people in my lifetime who thought their money held them above others in every way. It’s fun to cut them and their contemptuous ways down to size, even if it’s just through fiction.

2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.

poem – a poem

it’s the poem of all poems
the penultimate penned piece
where the damsel withers
within her lonely turret
while the prince races hither
to smite the beast
and finally to claim his bride
as he breaks her fall
only his legs are crushed
because the silly woman squeezed
her gigantic posterior through the window
thinking her romeo had burn’t crispy
from the dragon’s horrid and hot halitosis…

it’s the poem of all poems
and this is not it.

Breaking Up – a 50-word … thing

Dear You,

I’m sorry we broke up. The sad fact is, you are who you must be and I am who I have to be, and it seems there is no compromise. A serial killer and a saint are just not suited for marriage. I should have known.

Love,

Me

The Chronicles of Mary, Part 1 – a 50-word story

One day, a strange man dressed in a business suit approached Mary, and asked her if he could call her “Ivy.”

“That’s not my name,” she said.

“Please?” he begged.

“Whatever.”

“Ivy,” he said. Then he ran away, pointing, and yelling, “Poison Ivy!”

That was Mary’s oddest day to date.

Honey

22:30 Honey! Are you coming to bed?

Yeah! I’ll be there in a minute!

22:36 Honey! Are you coming to bed yet?

On my way, dear!

22:40 Honey! Are you…

I’m here.

Oh good. But before you get into bed, can you let the dog out?

…

22:54 Honey! Are you coming to bed soon?

The dog’s still outside!

Well get him in! I wanna snuggle!

Be there soon, dear!

23:01 Honey! Are you…

Yes.

Good. Get into bed.

… Honey, did you lock the front door?

No, didn’t you?

No.

23:09 Honey! Are you coming back to bed soon?

Be there in a minute!

What’s taking you so long?

Cat wanted in!

We don’t have a cat!

You sure?

Of course I am!

Okay! I gotta find the cat now and let him back out!

23:44 Honey! Are you coming…

I’m here.

What the hell happened to you? Where’d all those scratches come from?

The cat. It didn’t want to go out.

…Wait, what colour was the cat?

Black.

Maybe it was Blackie! I haven’t seen her since before we met! You’ve gotta go let her back in!

…

1:03 Honey! Did you find her yet?

… Honey? Honey where’d you go?

…

Honey?

…

Ugh. Men!

Isn’t There a Cream For That? An 100-word Story

It started with an itch. Just a little, Ooh, what’s that? I think I’ll scratch it. So I did, as you do.

The next morning I woke up to find a big… I don’t even know what you’d call it. So I decided to go to the doctor. Ha! Funny, right?

The moment I got in the door, everyone was, Aah! Look at the hideous beast! and What the hell is wrong with him, coming in here?

I wanted to explain that I just needed my itch looked at, but they wouldn’t listen. It sucks being reincarnated as a snake.

That Thing – #SoCS – an 100-word story*

“That thing is not going in my closet.” It was the last thing I ever heard her say.

We’d been talking about moving in together for months. She knew about my collection. Sure, she’d never seen it… she hadn’t wanted to. I tried to explain to her how big it was and how freakin’ awe-inspiring it was. I guess she didn’t believe me. In retrospect, I do remember her just nodding and smiling as though she was humouring me.

I think it was the boa that took offense to her screaming first. Or maybe it was the cobra. Oh well.

socs-badge-2015

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link to find the rules and discover how you can join in! http://lindaghill.com/2016/03/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-516/

*Author’s note: No editing went into this post in order to make it an 100-word story. Just how it turned out. I’m happy about that. 😉

Campers Welcome, a 50-word story

The sign on the gate of the public campsite, said, “Welcome all, whether happy or sad.” And so the happy campers and the sad campers sat side-by-side at their bonfires, telling ghost stories and playing tunes. Sometimes they all woke up happy and sometimes, sad, but the mosquitoes always won.

How Misunderstood – 100 words

“Dino?”

“Yes Dad?”

“Where’s my trailer?”

“It’s at the bottom of the hill.”

“I thought I told you to put blocks under the wheels.”

“Yeah but…”

“I was going to go get the truck to hook it up.”

“I know, Dad, but…”

“You let my trailer go down the hill by itself. Now I’ve got to go down there and dig it out of the ditch.”

“Yeah, I know, but…

“What the hell were you thinking?!”

“Well it’s what you said!”

“What I said? What did I say?”

“You told me you wanted everything today to go down without a hitch!”