funny

Poor Frozen Willy – 100 words

“Poor frozen Willy was a chilly little guy. He normally lives somewhere warm and humid, but one day he found himself out in the cold. It turns out his owner got drunk and…”

“Honey?”

“Yeah, Babe?”

“Why does every story you tell me before bed have to be about your penis?”

“Who said it’s about my penis? It’s actually about a penguin.”

“A penguin who lives somewhere warm?”

“Sure.”

“…”

“Okay. I’m just trying to get you in the mood.”

“Talking about your cold little penis is not going to do the trick.”

“Hmm… A poor but massive and overheated horse…”

Good night

Scene
Two dark rooms, split screen: Julien lay on his bed, on his back, with the phone to his left ear. Maisy lay on her bed, on her back, with the phone to her right ear.

Maisy: Good night darling.

Julien: Are we hanging up now?

Maisy: (sighs) I have to get up early to go to work.

Julien: I guess you need your beauty sleep.

Maisy: (frowns) Are you saying I’m ugly if I don’t get enough sleep?

Julien: NO! No baby, calm… I mean I didn’t mean that at all.

Maisy: (snorts)

Julien: I’ll let you get your sleep. I love you, baby.

Maisy: I love you too.

Julien: Good night.

Maisy: Good night then.

Julien: Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Maisy: (sits up) Bed bugs! Are you saying you left bed bugs here last time you stayed over?!?

Julien: NO! No way, baby! You gotta calm…

Maisy: Don’t you freakin’ tell me to calm down, asshole!

Julien: NO! I didn’t mean calm down, I meant…

Maisy: ‘Coz you KNOW how I hate it when you tell me to calm down!

Julien: (trying to get in a word edgewise) Baby…

Maisy: Calm down? I have bed bugs in my bed and you’re telling me to calm down?

Julien: No, baby…

Maisy: (standing beside her bed) What kind of crazy freakin’ asshole are you anyways?

Julien: Baby…

Maisy: (nostrils flaring, breathing heavy)

Julien: Baby? Are you still there?

Maisy: What!?

Julien: Baby there’s no bed bugs. No bed bugs. It’s just a saying.

Maisy: …

Julien: (timidly) Are you okay?

Maisy: (plops down on the bed, nostrils still flaring. Speaks sharply) I guess.

Julien: I… gotta go. I’ve gotta get up early too.

Maisy: Oh, now you gotta get up early and I’m probably going to me up all night.

Julien: …sorry. Can I have a little kiss?

Maisy: (snorts)

Julien: Just a little bitty kiss from my hunny bun?

Maisy: (relaxes) Okay. (makes kissing noise)

Julien: I love you hunny bun.

Maisy: (giggles)

Julien: (like he’s speaking to a child) I love you my hunny bunny baby.

Maisy: I love you too.

Julien: Okay. Good night then.

Maisy: Good night.

Julien: Sleep tight.

Maisy: I beg your pardon?

Julien: I said… sleep tight?

Maisy: (angry) Are you calling me a loose woman?!

Julien: (holds phone away from his ear and looks at it. Hangs up.)

Hell’s Kitchen

“Barnaby! You burnt my steak again!”

“But Sir… you won’t turn the grill down.”

Thar’s the Rub – a 50-word story

“You don’t like her?”

“No. She rubs me the wrong way.”

“Which way does she rub you?”

“Oh you know. Side to side.”

“Do you prefer to be rubbed up and down?”

“From top to bottom, actually.”

“Hmm. I like the tummy.”

“OOh, and behind the ear is good too.”

Look!

Up in the sky!
It’s a bird!
It’s a … writer?
It’s Flying-by-the-seat-of-his-pants Man!

Penmanship – #tuesdayuseitinasentence – a 50 word story

Maybe it’s my lack of penmanship that lost me the girl. Yeah, it was a one night stand, but I really liked her. All I wrote was, “Best of luck ever! Don’t forget shut, lock door on your way out!” And now she’s accusing me of calling her a slut.

This post is brought to you by Tuesday Use It In A Sentence. This week the host is Kelli at Forty, c’est Fantastique! and the word of the week is “penmanship.”

One Step At A Time – #LoIsInDaBlog and Mindful Monday

I can’t take the directions with me, or rather I can’t see them once I’m there. I must concentrate, memorize, go over them again and again as I prepare myself for my task. The most important task of the day.
I’m ready. Buck up my courage, and…
Wash
Rinse
Repeat.

This 50 word story is inspired by Bee’s prompt, at Just Fooling around with Bee, which is in conjunction with Mindful Monday, a prompt by Colleen, at Silver Threading. Unfortunately my story doesn’t have much to do with this week’s actual prompts, but it was the best I could do at 11pm. Tryin’ to stay healthy by going to bed at a decent time! 😛

Thanks, ladies, for your inspiration. 🙂

Unfortunate – a 40 word story

It all started with a fortune cookie: buying the lottery ticket; winning the jackpot; getting on the rocket, then landing on the moon… If she’d have shut up about that damned fortune cookie, we might not have left her there.