humor

Dramatic

“Oh my God, Micky, I love your new living room! It’s so dramatic! Let’s make love in it right now.”

“But… George. You’re not gay.”

“Oh, right.”

“Or are you?”

“Of course not!”

“Because not only did you just suggest we have sex, but you used the word “dramatic” to describe my decorating job.”

“I did, didn’t I? Can we sit down for a minute?”

“Why, so you can tell me you’re gay?”

“Would that be so bad?”

“No. Because I am too.”

“Oh my God, really?”

“Uh huh.”

“When were you going to tell your wife?”

“I dunno. I thought maybe she’d figure it out when she sees the living room.”

***
The Daily Post word of the day is Dramatic.

How?

I admire the way you look
through my glass of white wine
upside down.
How do you do that?
Defying gravity,
or maybe it’s just me
floating away.

Wind

Instructions on side of box read:

1. Carefully slice the circular sticker holding the top flap, using a sharp knife.
2. Lift flap. Caution: Do not look inside box.
3. With arms extended, reach into box and find the green tab.

“Wait. How can I find the green tab if I can’t look inside the box?”

“Keep reading!!!”

4. The green tab is smooth; the blue tab has pockets.

“What the hell are tab pockets?”

“Just… feel!”

“Okay, got it.”

5. Pull the green tab gently toward you.
6. When you feel a breeze, cease pulling.
7. Clasp blue tab and count to nine.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…”

“…eight? Why did you stop counting?”

“I farted.”

“Damn it, Marty! We bought a box of stinky wind for nothing!”

***

Wind is the prompt. Bizarre is the story.

Crisis?

“Hey, Brother! Where you bound?

I’m off to America. For breakfast.

“I hear there’s a crisis going on over there.”

“Crisis? What crisis?”

“Oh, it’s the crime of the century, some say.”

“You don’t say!”

“Mmhm. But then again, some things never change.”

“True enough. Some things are indelibly stamped.”

“Well, if you decide to go anyway, enjoy yourself.”

“I’ll do my best. Though now that you’ve mentioned the crisis, my may take a walk in the woods by myself, to think it over.”

“Yes, well. Sometimes we come to mistaken conclusions, even in the quietest moments.”

The Daily Post word of the day: Crisis.

The Chronicles of Mary, Part 5

After three years on the job, Mary finally got a week off. She decided to spend it carefree, devoid of responsibility or effort. She put her feet up and read all day, watched Netflix, and only once did she get up to answer the door. It just happened to be a lawyer, serving a subpoena for her to appear in court as a witness to a labour dispute.

drive, a haiku

driving happily
top down, wind in hair, I smile
between teeth, dead bugs

Drive

#SoCS – Unpredictable

If I wrote a story about you,
I would use words like “mystic” and “crazy.”

I would get a hand from the gods
because the gods are my friends.

I could choose a few anecdotes –
ones that would make people laugh.

I might bake a cake and call it you,
just so I can share you with my other friends.

If I clap my hands and you come running,
I will praise you, my friend, for that means you love me too.

I might circle the globe with you,
and we might just have fun.

Even though you’re afraid of heights
and I don’t need a plane to fly.

We could ride elephants and catch heffalumps:
it’s the Pooh thing to do.

And when we get home with all our treasures
we will place them on shelves and forget they exist.

If my enthusiasm for you dies,
I will probably die.

If I decide suddenly that I shan’t drive you to the airport when you need to go
(because that’s what friends do)
you might disown me, but I’d deserve it.

And if the water of my endless ocean of devotion for you dries up,
I will be left with a salty taste in my mouth.

But chances are that’s the worst case scenario,
because you’re as crazy as I am, and us crazies need to stick together.

If I wrote a story about you,
then it would definitely include me.

This is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday, because it’s totally stream of consciousness writing and it contains this week’s prompt, “if/then.”

This is part of The Daily Post because it was totally Unpredictable.

socs-badge-2015

One Bad Step

You may be wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today. Please, settle down–yes, you in the back! Calm down!–and allow me to explain.

No matter the length of the journey, whether it be an epic one or a trip to the corner store, each begins with a single step. As did mine. My epic journey began like any other. I awoke, brushed my teeth, and set out. I made it all the way to the car before I realized I had forgotten my car keys!

You in the back! I’m not going to tell you again! So I went back into the house for the keys, but the phone was ringing. I went to answer it in case it was important. Because you know, I was heading out on an epic, year-long journey! It turned out to be someone selling time-shares. Imagine that! So I hung up and off I went again.

I waited the proper time at the airport – got a coffee, that sort of thing. It wasn’t until it was time to head to the gate that I realized I’d put my plane ticket down when I ran to answer the phone!

So that is why I’m here, talking to you a mere three hours and forty-five minutes after I embarked on my epic year-long journey. I shall attempt to go again next month, and when I get to the secret location to which I’m going, I will purchase your gold, with the money you have entrusted to me, and return with it a year from the time I leave. Yes I know! The man in the back would like his money returned to him now, but I’m afraid…

What do you mean, you all want your money back? Hey! Get off me! I… ahh!!!

Captain’s Log – 12.07.16

O5:00 Awoke.
05:15 Found Midshipman Fluffy drinking milk in officer’s mess. I let it slide. Have yet to come up with a new title for Midshipman Fluffy.
05:30 At controls.
12:00 Broke for lunch. Left Midshipman Fluffy at controls. There seems to be a storm brewing.
12:25 Returned early to controls. Storm is gathering strength.
12:56 I’m not sure I can contain the ship. Midshipman Fluffy and I are both at the controls. I can tell my first mate is nervous.
13:06 Power out! Alert! Power is out!
13:45 The worst of the storm seems to be over. Peeled Midshipman Fluffy out from under the desk. Kittens sleeping soundly by my feet.
18:00 Broke for supper. Midshipman Fluffy seems to have recovered.
18:45 Returned to controls. Midshipman Fluffy has turned in with kittens for the evening.
22:00 Hitting berth. I will keep an eye over kittens while Midshipman Fluffy takes the helm for the night. Will make Midshipman Fluffy’s new rank a priority in the coming days.

Spelling Matters, a Limerick

There once was a young man named Rand
Who thought his desert rather bland
He yelled at the waiter
Who just wouldn’t cater
When Rand asked he take back the sand

Find The Daily Post prompt here.