You’re like a hangnail
Dangling by a nerve in-shoe
You make me lamer
“Uh, Sir, I think you underestimate me.”
“Do you really think so, Johnson? I mean, look at your record. Just last week you picked up three dead raccoons, twenty squirrels, and four crows. Your contemporaries doubled that!”
“But you forget that they are in the city. You have me out doing the rural routes.”
“Where there should be more roadkill!”
“But…”
“But what, Johnson?”
“But what about the moose?”
“There was a moose?”
“Yeah. Just last week. Didn’t Davis tell you?”
“It’s the first I’ve heard. Did you pick it up all by yourself?”
“Yes, Sir. I did.”
“What did you do with it?”
“It’s been your lunch, Sir, for the last three days.”
This post is part of both The Daily Post and Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the links to find the prompts!
“Happy Children’s Day,” said the mother to her son on Mother’s Day morning.
“What do you mean?” asked the son.
“If I’ve done my job right,” explained the mother, “you will derive more pleasure from spoiling me than I will for being spoiled.”
The son smiled, “You’re right, Mummy! Please enjoy your sardine pancakes. I brought syrup, too!”
“But Martha! You can’t start a soap opera in the middle! People will never watch!”
“Oh Peter, you idiot. They do it all the time! They turn on the television one afternoon and they sit down with their glass of scotch and they’re hooked!”
“They do?”
“Of course they do. Do you think everyone who watches an afternoon serial started at the beginning? For God’s sake, Peter! Most of the shows are older than their viewers!”
“So that means…”
Martha raises one perfectly plucked eyebrow.
“That means…”
“Come on, Peter, spit it out!”
“That means we have viewers!”
“By George, I think he’s got it! Someone give the man a cookie!”
“You know,” I began. My brother doesn’t know anything, so it was a rhetorical statement. “If you cross a giraffe with an elephant, the result will just be a scaly grey giraffe. They have the same tail.”
“But it has to have a trunk!” he exclaimed.
“If you give it a trunk it will topple forward. I won’t be able to get from tree to tree in order to eat.”
“It doesn’t need to eat! It’s just a picture!!”
He had a point. I handed him my grey crayon and let him get on with it. But I couldn’t watch.
Author’s Notes:
1. I don’t suppose this character is “zany” as much as childish, but this is what I ended up with and I’m sticking to it.
2. I think I only ended up with one or two “adult content” posts. None were particularly naughty. Ah, well. It’s been fun doing this challenge with characters. Thanks for reading.
“So I said to him, I said, ‘If you’re gonna cheat on your wife, at least cheat with a good-looking chick!’ ‘Coz you know, this woman he was seeing, I’ll tell you something. This woman this guy was seeing was uuggglllyyy…? Oh my God she was ugly! But then his wife wasn’t any kind of looker either, so you can see why he’d want to cheat on her. But you know, guys like that… and I’m not saying I have anything against guys like that. I’ve been there myself, more than once. But guys like that, they’re just asking for trouble, you know? They’re just here and there, and their minds are, like, all over the place! They can’t keep a straight thought in their heads any more than they can keep their dicks in their pants, you know?”
“Uh huh. Hey, do you know if this plane is going to make any extra stops?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Emergency landings?”
“No. No, I don’t think so. But about this guy…”
Author’s Notes:
1. For my next trick, I’ll be Donald Trump’s speech writer!
2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.
“You know what I admire about you?”
“Wha…what?”
“First, gimme another dringk.”
“Mmmkay.
“Now, whadda you admire about me?”
“You really tell it like it is, you know?”
“Mmmhmm. I do.”
“Like, just tonight. Your wife aksed you if she looked fat in her dress. Am… am I right?”
“You are corr…rect.”
“An’ you told her, ‘Yes. Yes you do look fat in that dress.'”
“Tha’s what I said.”
“So… why are you here in my basement helping me with this bottle of scotch?”
“‘Coz I’m honest! Hey, you got a couch I can sleep on?”
Author’s Notes:
1. Such a tough choice, isn’t it? To be honest or not? I’m thinking one day I might answer the question with fiction. In the meantime I just sit around writing in my slimming dress…
2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.
“Billy?”
“Yes, Dad?”
“Where did all my Chivas Regal go?”
“I gave it to the people at the soup kitchen.”
“You what? What would possess you to do such a thing?”
“Well you said I should practice generosity of spirit…”
“Of ‘spirit,” not ‘spirits’! I meant go dish out soup!”
Author’s Notes:
1. I had fun with this one.
2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.
Scene: A drunk middle-aged man sits beside an elderly lady on a long overseas flight. She is in the window seat.
Man: I… I don’t have a problem, y’know. (tips plastic cup in her general direction)
Lady: (staring forward) Mmmhmm.
Man: My wife left me.
Lady: I’m sorry.
Man: You’re sorry. It’s my wwwife who should mbe sorry. She thinks I have n dringking problem.
Lady: Mmmhmm.
Man: You don’t b’lieve me. Why don’t you open the window n jus’ jump out.
Lady: (pushes “call attendant” button)
Man: What choo do that for? I don’t have a problem!
Attendant: (smiling) How can I help you?
Lady: I wonder if I might change seats?
Attendant: I’m sorry, Ma’am, the plane is full.
Man: Shhh…she thingks I have a problem.
Lady: (looks up pleadingly at the attendant)
Attendant: Sir, would you like to come with me?
Man: (grins) Anywhere you want, darlin’. (stands, swaying and follows her toward the front of the plane)
Five minutes passes. The attendant goes by and the lady flags her down.
Lady: I just wanted to say thank you for removing that nasty man. Where did you put him after all? I thought the plane was full.
Attendant: Oh! (laughs) That was the pilot.
Author’s Notes:
1. I had no idea where this was going. I actually made myself laugh at the end.
2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.
“Let’s see; on Monday night I have dinner with the boss, and on Tuesday evening I’m going to my sister’s best friend’s cousin’s baseball practice. On Wednesday it’s beers with the guys from work… I might be able to fit you in Thursday. No wait! That’s pot-luck night at the neighbour’s place. Friday I’m going to the movies with my brother, and Saturday is football. Saturday is definitely out. Can I fit you in on Sunday, say at between ten and midnight?
“Suzie?
“Great. She hung up on me again. What a way for a wife to treat her husband!”
Author’s Notes:
1. Some guys just get no respect. And some are oblivious. I just came up with the first line and ran with this one.
2. I have no plans to write Adult Content fiction pieces for this challenge, but it happens, and it’s sometimes beyond my control if I’m to remain authentic to my muse. I will place a warning in the title of those posts which fall under the AC category.
Linda G. Hill 