You and me
Me and you
You’n’me
Me’n’you
Younme
Menyou
Yummy
Menu
I think I’ll have a bite to eat.
It’s Just Jot It January! Click here and join in any time!
funny
JusJoJan the 25th – It’s Magic!, a 50-word story
“And for my next sleight of hand,” said the prestidigitator, “I will turn this potato into a magician!”
The magician bends, knife in hand, and carves the spud into the shape of a number one.
He opens his palms to present his work of art and says:
“Presto! Digit tater!”
This horrible groaner is presented to you especially by Just Jot It January! Click here and join in any time!
JusJoJan the 22nd – Felicity, a 50-word story
“Hey Hank! What do you think of my letter?”
Dear Felicity,
Your duplicity is unprecedented. Your name implies delights unimaginable and yet you refuse to go down on me. What gives?
“Errr, Stan? Her name’s Felicity. Not Fellatio.”
“Oh. OHHH!”
Dear Felicity,
Please accept deepest apologies for my recent behaviour…
It’s Just Jot It January! Click here and join in any time!
JusJoJan the 21st – Mittens, a Haiku
Mittens on kittens
Cute, but what are you thinking?
It’s a freakin’ cat.
It’s Just Jot It January! Click here and join in any time!
JusJoJan the 4th – Dachshund
William was going to die. Everyone knew it, but most of all, William knew it. While he was still able to get around he decided to go to his lawyer (who was also a close friend) to make his final arrangements. The lawyer promised William he would gather together all of William’s relatives when the time came.
William’s most prized possession was his dachshund. The dog had a mind of its own and William admired it. He called the dog Willie in a vain attempt to be more like the animal. He decided to leave Willie with his eldest son, William the Second. There was, however, a clause which stated that his son would have to actually want the dog. Otherwise Willie was to be placed elsewhere.
Soon after William’s trip to the lawyer, William died. As promised, the lawyer gathered everyone together. This was what he said to the family:
In Will’s will, Will willed Willie, the willful dachshund, to William. Should William be willing, Willie the willful will henceforth reside with William.
William’s will went uncontested and Willie and William the Second lived happily ever after. Except that time William’s wife Winifred sat on Willie because Willie wouldn’t move off the sofa.
It’s Just Jot It January! Click here and join in any time!
SoCS – The Second I Saw You
I knew the second I saw you that you would be mine. You might say it is cliche, but it’s true. My mind immediately raced to our wedding day – that I would place my ring on your finger and that in the spectators at our marriage day would be four or five of my ex-wives, bickering and scratching one another.
Catcalls from the orchestra section would be drowned out by the love, ringing in our ears and bells would tinkle above us. Oh the gloriousness of our child-bearing years! Our first-born would look just like me, or perhaps my sixth ex-wife, as by then I would be fooling around on you because you put on a few pounds from the many desserts I demanded you bake for me.
Now, my love, I stand in line at the seventh cashier from the right where I’ve followed you with my shopping cart from the frozen food aisle. I need only touch your arm.
We were meant to be. I know it in my heart.
This stream of consciousness fiction piece is part of SoCS. Click on the link and join in the fun!
http://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/09/26/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-september-2714/
badge by Doobster @ Mindful Digressions
SoCS – Where Inspiration Comes From
“And so, Mr. Lennon,” said the Chairman of the school board’s committee on Bringing Healthy Foods into the Cafeterias, “you need to work on introducing more meats and vegetables into your school. As Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, you are the man in charge of obtaining the groceries, are you not?”
“I am,” said Mr. Lennon. “I am also responsible for making sure I buy groceries the children are likely to eat. You have on the list,” and here Mr. Lennon unfolded a sheet of paper and propped up his spectacles on the bridge of his nose, “pork chops, chicken, carrots, corn, and broccoli.” He looked up from his paper and frowned at the Chairman. “And now there is another thing you’d like me to add to this horrendous list?”
The Chairman cleared his throat and leaned his elbows upon his desk.
“All we are saying, Mr. Lennon, is give peas a chance.”
This post is part of SoCS! Find it here: http://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/09/12/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-september-1314/
Badge courtesy of Doobster @ Mindful Digressions
Erectile Disfunction, The Limerick
There once was a man called ED
Who got it into his head,
It was time for a change
And so he exchanged
His ED for a handful of meds
Edited. Originally posted in the comments on this article: http://aopinionatedman.com/2014/08/26/i-give-up-2/
Fit to be Tied
How should I lace you up? Should I tie your feet as well as your hands? I should probably strip you first. It will make it easier.
What is that? I can’t understand you with that gag in your mouth. Why are you moaning? We agreed to this.
Am I hurting you?
Fine, I’ll loosen the gag. Is that better?
Excellent.
First I’ll slip off your tie. Mmmm, silk. I love this tie. Now give me your hands and lean forward so I can tie your hands behind your back. What, you want them at the front. I… don’t think so. And lift your ass so I can pull down your… oh yes, you’re into this, aren’t you?
Stop struggling or I’ll truss you up like a pig. You don’t like that idea? No, I didn’t think you would.
First your hands. There we go. And then your feet. So nice of you to take off your shoes and socks at the door. Ah, yes, that’s right. You were expecting sex, weren’t you?
So glad we agreed that if I caught you cheating again I could do whatever I want to you.
Your lovers? I think I might have tripped one of them up on her way out the door. There were three of them after all, waiting here in my bed for you to get home from work, weren’t there? Apparently none of you were aware that I was home sick but still doing your laundry in the basement.
So where shall I begin?
Did you get the garden sheers back from being sharpened like I asked you to? I was getting blisters from trying to cut the hedges with dull blades. You did? No? I think you’re just saying that.
Never mind. I just emptied the water out of the high-powered Shop Vac I bought you for Christmas last year. It took me only three hours to empty the basement after the flood last night while you were out with the boys. I tell you man, that thing sucks so hard you could use it to pull the dandelions out of the ground, roots and all. What, not the sucking you were looking for this afternoon?
For God sake stop trying to scream. We agreed to this, remember?
What’s that you’re saying? You’re sorry? You certainly look sorry.
Just a minute, there’s someone at the door.
….
….
….
Good news. It’s your mother!
Originally posted in 2013 on The Community Storyboard.
Keeping Up
“So, Jones,” said the boss as he seated himself behind his desk. “What do you do for fun when you’re alone?”
“Well, sir, I enjoy fishing…”
“No Jones, I mean when you’re alone.”
“Um… well, I sometimes go down into my basement…”
“Yes,” the boss said eagerly.
“…and work on my train set. It’s a 1:160 scale…”
“Jones?” the boss interrupted.
“Yes, sir?”
The boss leaned across the desk, close enough so Jones could see the pores in the man’s nose. They were deep and dark.
“What I want to know,” he wiped his brow, “is what you do for fun when you’re really alone. I mean, completely and utterly alone. Can you share that with me, Jones?”
“Well sir,” Jones blushed, “it’s rather personal. That’s why I do it when I’m alone.”
The boss sat back in his chair, clasped his hands across the expanse of his belly, and twiddled his thumbs. He smiled like a man satisfied that he was about to receive precisely what he wanted.
“I, um…” Jones swallowed. “I like to, um… dress up in my wife’s clothes, sir.”
A grin spread across the boss’s face, lifting his jowls and creasing his eyes. It wasn’t a malicious smile, nor was it meant to mock. It was merely a smile.
Jones relaxed a little.
“Jones, I have something for you.”
“You do?”
The boss reached under his desk and Jones expected him to come out with a gift bag, perhaps with a nice pair of heels or a frilly dress. Instead, a small device rested in the palm of the boss’s hand that looked like a tiny silver doughnut.
Jones leaned forward to have a closer look. “What’s this, sir?”
“It’s a listening device.”
“And what would you like me to do with it?”
“I would like you to break into Kramer’s house and plant it in his bedroom.”
Jones studied the boss’s face. He didn’t look like he was joking.
“Why should I do that, sir?”
“Well you see, Jones,” the boss placed the item on the desk and sat back again, “this is the very listening device we retrieved from your house this morning. I need it put into the next employee’s house to help us determine what he is doing when he is alone. The next one on the list, alphabetically is Kramer.”
“But… why?”
The boss leaned his elbows on his desk and regarded Jones seriously. “We’ve heard rumours, Jones.” He lowered his voice. “I can’t have you telling anyone this. Can I trust you, Jones?”
“Of course, sir.”
“All right. We have reports that say someone in the organization,” he whispered, “has been masturbating.”
Jones’s bottom jaw dropped. “You’re joking!”
The boss shook his head, as grim as night.
“I don’t need to tell you what that means for our company, do I Jones?”
“Of course not, sir!
“Harry Palmer Sterile Products would never be seen the same again!”
Linda G. Hill 